Attachment (again)

If you’ve read some of my previous blogs you know that I’ve got a thing for Star Wars. Recently we were watching the third movie, and Yoda was being his brilliant, yogic self. He says to Anakin, “Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.” I always point that line out to the children, and so my son, he offered to write it down for me to remember. Careful, small letters in red Sharpie on a bright slip of orange paper, with his unique seven-year-old writing (and spelling). It is taped to the cover of my laptop.

I tend to think that I have made at least a sliver of progress in the area of attachment. This week, I realized I am back to square one. Or about thirty feet behind it.

Our dear Sasha, sweet gray princess kitty, died. Or actually, I told the vet to give her medicine to make her die. We call it “putting to sleep” which is a total cop-out.

She had been getting thinner, not eating much. Still purring like a fuzzy freight train, and enjoying spending the nights (cold nights!) out exploring. That day, she was a little more hesitant in her movements; her breathing became very labored, so I took her to the vet. I was not prepared to be told she would go into cardiac arrest at any moment. That this was the end, or near it.

I asked, can I take her home to the children? One last cuddle? No, the vet said it was not wise – cardiac arrest could happen at any moment. For me to choose for the children to see her suffer; to choose to have her suffer that pain and confusion; and how long would it last??? It seemed the wrong thing to do to just wait and let it happen. He asked if I needed to call anyone. I said no. What is there to discuss? You consult the expert, and you make your decision. I knew my husband would tell me to do what I thought was right.

So I hope that I made the correct choice, but I suppose I will always feel the tug of conflict. Wouldn’t we all choose that last chance to walk outside, to look up to the sky, to be with our loved ones when that time of ending comes?

Maybe that is part of what draws us back here to incarnate again, and again, and again.

Later that evening, I complained of a headache. My son offered a kiss to the forehead, which helped a lot. “So,” he said, “Sasha’s gone. I mean, her body is still here on the Earth, but her spirit is not.” Ah, yes, sweet boy. Remind me of this great truth that is so easy to speak and sometimes so hard to understand.


Goodbye, dear Sasha-belle. Great yogi-cat-teacher who showed me how to live a life of work balanced with play; how to find the best, sunny soft spots to lounge; and to relax like you mean it. How to be unflinchingly yourself, and embrace your inner wandering-wild-outdoor-nature-loving-independent-but-living-with-others self. How to find fun in simple things, like tail chasing. Not to complain or whine (well, maybe if breakfast is late), and to love love love love without expectation or restriction.

In her final breaths, as I cried and cried and cried, and wished in my deepest darkest places that this would not happen, she taught me that I am still very much attached. To her, to my family, to my friends, to everything.

Much work left to do.

Shanti,

Jill

Beginner's Yoga Pep Talk

Well, hello there. So, you’re thinking about taking a yoga class? You’ve heard it’s good for you. And out of all the things that you’ve heard of lately that are good for you (like fish oil, ewwww), yoga sounds somewhat appealing. You think, well, yes, it might help my body. I could be a little more flexible; maybe work toward a stronger core, build some upper body strength. Learn to relax my mind, handle stress a little better. Learn a little about proper breathing.

So you’ve probably visited the website once or twice . . . okay, 25 times, and you’ve looked at the schedule. What does “hatha” mean? And how “beginners” is Beginners Yoga? Are there men in classes at Uttara? And, um what do they wear?

What happens if I plant my mat down next to some spandex-clad rubberband wondergirl, and I can’t do what her 20-years-younger-than-me body can do, and then I just want to go home and sit on the couch?

Ahhhhhh. It takes some guts to show up for that first class, it’s true. And you also have to find (um, actually MAKE) the time to do it. That alone can be so difficult.

Some answers to the above questions: first, hatha (correctly pronounced “hah-ta”) means the “sun” and the “moon” – the “ha” and the “ta” – it is a style of yoga that is balancing, but also forceful. And beginner’s yoga can be for someone with absolutely no yoga experience on up to experienced yogis looking for a more relaxed class, or to perfect their practice.

Remember that any pose can be adapted to suit any body; just be patient, use the props your instructor offers you, remember that it is a PRACTICE, and go from there.

Yes, there are lots of men who practice at Uttara; some are beginners, some in between, and we have a dedicated few that have been coming consistently since we opened (and have progressed beautifully, and you know who you are!). And guys generally wear shorts and a t-shirt that is either snug, or can be tucked in (to avoid wardrobe malfunctions whilst going upside down.) Click on the Facebook link from our Home Page to see some photos from actual classes and maybe that will help you to see what people wear to class.

If you DO happen to end up next to Little Miss Spandex, keep in mind that she’s just doing what her body can do; be inspired if you glance her way. You are supposed to be paying attention to your own body and your own practice. Learn to stop judging yourself (and her, and everyone else in your life, for that matter).

It’s all part of the practice. Because, you see, what you learn on your mat – about your body, about your mind, you take out into the world. However it is you practice, is also usually how your live your life.

What else would I want every beginner to know about yoga and about Uttara?



First, that we are a welcoming place. The vibe is not competitive at all. Each student is encouraged to work at their own pace, and not push beyond their own limits.

The classes are TAUGHT, they are not just led. It is not just an instructor, up there on their mat, doing their practice while you try like crazy to keep up. You are instructed in the poses; you can ask questions; the teachers come around and make adjustments and assist you in the poses. And if you don’t want us to touch you, please just tell us and we’ll leave you alone! I remember being a beginner and not wanting anyone near me. I thought negative things about my body, and assumed everyone who looked at me thought the same awful things, somehow proximity made it worse.

One of the hallmarks of an advanced student is that they usually loved to be mashed on by the instructor, but it takes time to build that relationship (with yourself and the instructor) and to feel comfortable in your own skin. We understand this, just speak your truth.

Now, just because we want you to respect your own limits doesn’t mean we won’t push you. Not all yoga is easy-breezy mild stretching and breathing. My personal taste runs to butt-kicking, music-blasting yoga. I like to work you hard, get you warm, and then wrap it up with deep, longer-hold postures. And I mostly offer 1 hour classes because that’s what I can squeeze into my life when I practice. But that’s just my personal style. You have to try different classes, different styles of yoga, different instructors. A hatha class with one instructor might be quite different with another.

Just, whatever you do, don’t just keep thinking about it. Actually go to a class. If the classes at Uttara don’t fit your schedule, try another Studio; get a video; get a book. Schedule a private. Get together with a friend.

And, please -- stop thinking that you’ll do yoga later, when you have time, when things “calm down” -- because that is not going to happen; you won’t ever HAVE the time, you have to MAKE it. You’re not going to magically get stronger, more flexible, more serene, more focused -- unless you PRACTICE.

Quit making excuses, be truthful with yourself, and get past your fear.

You will be so glad when you do.

I’ll see YOU, in class.

Shanti,

Jill

Bethany Hall

There probably would be no Uttara Yoga Studio if there wasn’t Bethany Hall.

True statement.

When I took my yoga teacher training I had no intention to teach adults or to do anything so bold as open a studio; my concept was to bring yoga to the schools and to children.

Keep this in mind if you sign up for a yoga teacher training and you think you have a "plan" -- your whole way of living and being in this world is going to change. Guaranteed.

In our training we were assigned Personal Reflection Questions; they were questions designed for self-exploration and understanding. It was optional to share them with our Program Advisor. I always shared mine, because she really "heard" me and always offered helpful comments and suggestions.

One of our assignments was to meditate on a group who might need our help. I did the meditation, and Bethany Hall popped into my mind. Which was a bit odd. I knew that there was this house next door to our church called Bethany Hall; and that only women lived there; and that they were in some kind of therapy or something related to addiction. That they occasionally helped out at the church with cleaning and other duties, and often kept our children in the nursery on holidays. The women were always kind and polite; just average people, like me. Looking back, I’m embarrassed to admit that after years of attending our church, I really had only the most remote idea of what was happening next door.

So, when I answered the question, I wrote that the women of Bethany Hall came into my meditation, and that once I was certified and a “real” yoga teacher, perhaps I might offer them a class.

My advisor, in her infinite wisdom, noted in the margins: "Why wait? If you wish to be taught, you must teach.”

Well, that sucked the wind right out of my sails; I mean, seriously, it was just a short meditation, right? What was I supposed to do, just call them up and say “Hey, um, I’m not really a yoga teacher yet, but I’d like to teach you yoga.” And what about mats? And what would they wear? And a place to do the class? And music? And . . . and . . . and . . . .

It was a time to either show up or shut up. So I called the main number. Was referred a nurse, who was open to alternative therapies. And, low and behold, she said “Sure – that would be great. We already have mats, someone volunteered a couple years back to teach yoga classes. When do you want to start?”

I contacted the church, who graciously allowed us to use their basement; ordered some blocks; collected my husband’s old neckties to use as straps, and we began.

I will never forget the start of that first class. I carefully arranged the small room that has windows, setting up a small altar; had my class all planned, mats laid out; we would do most poses at the wall, which is great for beginners.

For whatever reason, perhaps the size of the house, I expected a handful of women. As they began to file in, I began to count. I believe there were 14 women. Some were pregnant. They didn’t exactly looked thrilled to be there, and a small scream of panic rose up in me. What about my careful plan? No way I could teach that planned class to pregnant women. And we couldn't do the class at the wall! What about the beautifully arranged room?

We quickly relocated to the large, dark, windowless space in the other part of the church. All my planning, poof. That’s when my memory stops. I have no idea what I taught, how I taught it, or how it went. When grace flows through you, it's like that. All I know is that when I got them all settled down for savasana, the deepest feeling of peace and love and service fell over me like a blanket.

Week after week, we met in the church basement (we still do!), and week by week I realized how much I loved teaching them, and how much it made me grow. These women come from different backgrounds, different cultures, but something has brought us all together for healing. That great cosmic truth has been proven to me -- when you give, you receive even more in return.

That was where the seed was planted to open a studio; to create a beautiful, holy space; a place where people with children were welcomed; a place that provided mats and props and blankets; a place where you could come as you are and feel utterly and completely accepted.

I hope that Uttara is that place for you, as it is for me.

And now, it is time for me to return the favor to Bethany Hall. Their budget has been slashed by the Commonwealth of Virginia; giving is dropping off, and they are at a critical point. They are the only addiction program in this entire state that allows pregnant women and women with children to come into the program. It is unique, it is vital, and it has a proven record of helping women fight the curse of addiction and return to society as productive people, as loving mothers, as providers for their families.

It is coming up on the end of year, when many people plan their giving. I know money is tight for most people. It does not have to be a big check; little donations can make a big difference.

Can you help? Please mail checks to Bethany Hall, 1109 Franklin Road, Roanoke, VA 24016; all donations are tax deductible.

Can’t donate? Then pray; please.

Thank you.

Jill



http://bethanyhall.org/

Sound of Silence

My life is very noisy. What about you?

Even in the stillness of a recent evening on the porch, you can hear distant traffic; the rumble of a train or jet, the hum of heat pumps. Even natural sounds, like crickets and birds, rustling leaves, dropping acorns.

I’m a little more aware of silence lately, because the ipod player for my car broke. It is so interesting how you get in the habitual pattern of getting into the car, and immediately turning on some noise; music, radio chatter, an educational cd, whatever.

It has been interesting to become aware of the relative silence in the car, and how soothing it can be.

Oh, yes, there is noise. Sometimes the thump-thump-thump from the car behind me can literally be felt before it can be heard. The car itself makes noise, the traffic, there are lots of sounds. But yet, there is still a peaceful stillness that comes from not contributing to the cacophony.

Reminds me of this past Winter, going to a friend’s house for tea. It had recently snowed (a LOT), and the ground was well covered with the white stuff. We pulled up in front of her home to see a whole group of children sledding. Without even opening the car door, you could hear music blasting. Either a child or a parent had deemed it necessary to play music on the front porch of the home where they were sledding, and wow, it was loud.

And it was sad. I have such lovely memories of the sweet crunch of boots upon fresh snow. The deep hush that envelops the world when layers of icy flakes dampen down the harsh sounds of winter. The sound of snow pants swishing against each other. Children playing, laughing, the awareness of the sound of breath amplified by the visible exhalation.

I have such lovely memories of those sounds and experiences; these kids, I’m thinking that when it snows and they are adults, their memories will conjure up some Lady Gaga song.

I wonder, what does silence really sound like?

Even in meditation, with the senses turned inward, the outer world (hopefully!) falling away, sinking into the rhythm of your breath, there are sounds. My Guru calls it the “thundering silence.” I’ve gotten glimpses of it, but have yet to be able to rest for extended periods in that deepening stillness. It is a practice, I remind myself.

If this weekend you can carve out a few moments for yourself, try to spend them in silence.

Enjoy it while you can. The leaf blowers are coming.

Shanti,

Jill

On Kindness

I have been thinking a lot about kindness lately. Because it really seems that everyone is dividing into factions of dislike, distrust, and just plain dissin’.

As you move through life: how are you treating the people you don’t know?

It makes me think of earlier in the year, when I went to shop at an upscale department store; I had a gift card from Christmas. I picked out some really pretty pajamas, a gift for my mother-in-law, and a couple things for my daughters. It ended up being a pretty good pile of things. As I was being checked out, a line formed behind me. So I began taking the clothes off the hangers, folding them, and making sure the tags were facing up so the clerk could easily scan them. Another person came to help check people out, and everyone was taken care of. As we finished the transaction, the clerk leaned across the counter. “Thank you so much,” she whispered under her breath, “This is the first time since I began working here that anyone has ever helped me, and it means so much to me.” Wow. I was shocked.

This reminded me of my Guru telling us that to serve means to treat everyone like you would treat your guru, or your lover, or your own child.

So I am wondering if sometimes we are only kind to people we know, or when we feel that our kindness will return to us some benefit. Kind of like only donating to charity for the tax write off.

Intention is everything, and it is between you and the Mother-Father God to determine whether you do things out of a genuine kindness, or just to get your name in the paper. Gifts of money or time can accomplish great things, indeed, but I wonder if an accumulation of spiritual merit comes mostly from what you do when no one is looking.

Do you walk the way of kindness?

I have spent many years bumbling through life; worried only about myself and what was happening in MY life, to MY family, MY friends. Maybe it was the blinders of youth, or if I was comfortably oblivious; I know other times I willfully ignored those around me who struggled or were suffering.

Getting older has made me more aware of how important it is to walk through life as softly as you can; how important it is to choose to smile, instead of getting stuck in the dark places that my mind can create.

There is great joy in little kindnesses. Opening doors for strangers. Telling the hotel maid that she did a great job on your room. Letting someone pull out in front of your car. Taking a moment to admire someone’s adorable dog.

While you are practicing this art of kindness, there’s another aspect to it -- (here’s the kicker); you cannot judge those people who are not moving through the world mindfully. Particularly because, you’ve been one of them, at one point or another.

It simply takes a moment of thought -- When someone cuts you off on the highway, think that maybe they are hurrying to the hospital to see a loved one. When a forgetful someone makes a mistake, ponder that they may be mourning a loss, nursing a headache or heartache, or have recently buried a child.

We all rationalize our own behavior, cutting ourselves serious slack that we would never offer up to our fellow beings – particularly to people who make different choices, live different lifestyles, or have a different color skin or language

The old adage of “walk a mile in another’s moccasins” still rings true.

Go back through your day today, starting from the minute your eyes opened to now. Imagine for a moment that you will only receive back to you the kindness you gave away. How did you do?

Remember to act as if the quality of the rest of your life depends upon it. Because, it does.

Shanti,

Jill

Re-Marriage

This Summer I received a Facebook post from an acquaintance – “What would you change about your wedding day?” Her question was aimed toward the ceremony; the DAY; the party (she is an event planner).

It made me smile, because, really –

Um, who cares?

I have no intention to diminish the linking of souls that the ceremony and ritual of marriage creates; but seriously, the party? Does anyone past the third year of marriage spend even five minutes contemplating how they would do the party differently?

Well – okay, yes; I’ll admit. Sometimes I wonder why we spent so much money on the wedding; why I worried about the food and the drink and the band and the dresses and, and, and . . . .

Things like arriving in a limousine, instead of just showing up in our car. It is fascinating to observe yourself become engulfed by the whirlwind of expectation.

Martha Stewart exerted an inordinate amount of control over my life during that period.

I must admit, I didn’t have the awareness to realize this until much later.
So, what would I do different?

Well, I would have spent less on the wedding and more on our house and wedding trip; I would not have registered for china or silver or whatever wacky things that seemed so critical at that moment. (Sad, but true, we almost never use the china because it cannot go through the dishwasher, and I’m much too lazy to polish silver. Ahhh, reality.)

I would have spent more time meeting with our priest, even though our pre-wedding sessions with her were only “required” because I had been divorced. Those were beautiful, critical, enlightening moments. As I look back, I realize how important it was to have someone there to independently observe and bridge the communication gaps.

I would not have hurried so much to schedule a date, though I realize why I did; I was terrified he would change his mind; and I loved (and love) him so much; it was an empty place in my soul, and I needed his commitment in front of God and everyone to feel whole.

It is good now to realize that I feel whole within myself; but truly, that growth could not have occurred without his constant, consistent support and love.

He has taught me that washing dishes, and bringing someone a cup of morning coffee, and being patient; these things demonstrate love.

That it is not the dramatic gesture; not jewelry or fancy gifts; though they are appreciated; it is the everyday kindness, caring and support that build a life together.

You have your children, and you love and adore your children; but their job is to leave you; and so they shall. But when you create a love relationship, a partnership; a marriage; as your creations prepare to depart, you still (hopefully) have one another.

I read once that any good marriage is actually a series of re-marriages. That every couple years, you grow, you change; you separate in certain ways. And that to keep your relationship together, to keep the love; you have to renegotiate the terms.

You grow, you shift; and you come back together and say “well, here is who I am, and where I am; where are you?” You work out new ground rules, new ways of being and loving. You re-marry. Or else; you don’t.

We all know what happens when you don’t.

Sometimes the disintegration is slow, methodical; sometimes, you go along in blissful ignorance, and something blows you apart. Either way; you’re done. There’s nothing there; no ties that bind, that connect; that wish to receive each other.

Would you choose to wander back through time and change anything about your wedding day? Maybe change photographers, update your hairstyle, or serve different food?

What about your relationship, right now; is there anything you would change? Any outdated patterns or ways of thinking – not just in your partner, but yourself? Do you even know the new person who your spouse or partner has become through the years? Do you know yourself?

Might be time to “re-marry.”

Shanti,

Jill

Karma

Oooooooo . . . . it’s a scary little word. Karma.

People throw it around; mention it at random. But yet, most people have no idea of the power of this law of the Earth plane.

Karma is more powerful than gravity. Take a moment to ponder that.

Why? Well, because karma is going to follow you from the Earth plane. Gravity; probably not.

Karma is not a specific religious concept; it is a Law of the Universe, but not a law of punishment. It goes like this: Whatsoever you do, think or say, comes back to you.

“Whatsoever you shall sow, you shall reap.”

Okay; pretty simple: whatever you do, think or say, comes back to you.

Go back through the last 24 hours of your life; everything you did; everything you thought; everything you said (to yourself or anyone [or anything]) else on the planet; you prepared to see all that coming back at you?

Mmmmmm.

Yeah. Sorry about that.

Because karma is real; it is a valid method of soul development, and it’s happening to you right now. Some karma jumps right up in your face and presents itself; other karma comes forward later in life; other karma has to wait for the right set of circumstances to teach you – which may be in another life.

I have a personal story; my young son stole something. I won’t go into details, this is the Internet; let’s just say, it was a serious matter.

I did what all good, evolved yogi-parents do: I absolutely, totally, freaked out. (Ooops.)

Well – okay, it wasn’t the best approach; but I was devastated. He is such a good child; such a joy to a mother’s heart; it felt crushing.

Suffice it to say, serious punishment was warranted, and serious punishment was meted out. I hope it made an impression.

Back to the concept of karma. Not long after these dramatic events at home, we attended a school event –a party of sorts, where you purchased tickets for certain games or activities. And my son – he was having a great time.

He played a game, and was given a certificate for a free ticket; which he promptly took to the money desk. He extended his certificate, and was given two tickets – they were joined together, it was almost like they went together – but he stopped and he said “No – I only won one ticket.” He ripped them apart, and returned the extra ticket to the parent in charge. Her eyes widened, and another parent took note. “No!” She smiled broadly. “You are such an honest boy! You take this extra ticket, you deserve it for being honest.” Another parent chimed in “Good job, Mamma, for raising him right!” My smile was less than enthusiastic in light of recent events. But it felt like a cathartic exchange.

It was an important lesson, for us both. But another was coming our way.

That same afternoon, we decided to head to the swimming pool; it was very, very hot; the pool had just opened; and, having reached the luxurious mothering stage of being able to lounge poolside and read a book, it sounded like a lovely way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

At the pool, my son began to play with a little fabric ball that our babysitter had left in the swim bag last year. It was nothing exciting; nothing expensive; he was having a marvelous time, all by himself; tossing the ball into the pool, and jumping in after it.

I watched him toss it in, and jump in after it, and with just a glance toward my book, he yelled “Mommy, my ball – it’s gone!” And, well – DARN! – he was right. I got up and walked around; there were not a lot of people there; I had seen him throw it right into the pool -- and that ball, it was NOWHERE. We checked the drains, walked around the pool – it was gone. I told him I was sure it would turn up, and went back to my book.

Shortly thereafter, I glanced up to see a preteen girl in the pool, shoulders shrugging, surrepticiously showing her friend – she had his little fabric ball. She glanced around to see if anyone was looking, and, catching my eye, it disappeared down into the water. About 20 minutes later, she began to toss it with a friend.

As I noticed the ball being tossed about, I called to my son – “Hey, there’s your ball, go ask them for it.” – because it is important for him to be able to stand his own ground in life. He approached them, asked for his ball back, and she said, “NO!” – That it was her ball, that she had “a bunch of them.” He looked at me, and I shrugged.

At the next adult swim, he emerged from the pool. He was not overtly upset, but you could tell it bothered him.

“How does it feel,” I queried, “to have someone take something from you?”
“Not good” he mumbled.
“Remember” I said, “remember how this feels. This is your lesson.”
“Yes,” he said.
And that was that.

This is a small event; but the lesson is important, and it is real.

We are all creating our own reality; we are all learning lessons in every moment, in every exchange; everything beautiful and everything horrible; the magnificent and the mundane; all that we experience here.

Can we be wise enough to see our own creations? Wise enough to see the karmic patterns . . . to act according to the law of this Earth plane, and shift our thoughts . . . our words . . . and our deeds? To decide to sow precisely what we shall harvest?

Start today . . .

Shanti,

Jill

Symbols

There have been a number of very important astrological events in the past two years, but particularly this Summer; epic, life changing, Earth shifting cosmic things (at least for those of us who believe the planets and stars impact life here on Earth.

I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again; I was an astrology naysayer; thought it was complete bull . . . um . . .crap.

That’s the beauty of yoga, and any other tradition that is based on personal experience, instead of forced belief; I looked into it; investigated. Whoa. The real deal.

As a yogi, I look to these dates of astrological significance, and I look at my life; pondering the symbols, to gain insight into the cycle. For many of these cycles are long-term; example: Pluto in the sign of Capricorn is a 14-year cycle. So, if the symbols regarding the movement of Pluto into that sign weren’t so great for you, you need to start working to soften that energy, because the only other option is to hunker down and get used to the chaos for the next 12 years.

As I ask friends about the symbols that surround these events in their life, they look at me (or email me), and ask – symbols? What do you mean, symbols?

Therefore; time to blog on symbols.

I often say that I would prefer the Universe send me a parchment scroll; dropped down out of the sky; escorted by angels; and written in English. And it would say “Jill – You must . . . (fill in the blank); you must NOT . . . (fill in the blank). I love you no matter what; hence, you have a certain amount of free will; but (fill in the blank) will occur if you make the wrong choice. Love, always, GOD.”

Knowing the way my mind functions, I would even question that – thinking, “Well, yes, it is a parchment scroll, coming down from heaven; and yes, there were angels (were there trumpets? I don’t recall trumpets.)” And I would want ANOTHER symbol; you know, something big and concrete – like a burning bush (though not too close to the house, please) to make certain that it was for real.

*Sigh* -- it doesn’t work that way.

The Universe doesn’t speak English, or Japanese; it usually doesn’t even speak drama; the big, huge events don’t usually come until you’ve missed the point a couple/three times.

Bummer.

So while you’re worrying about keeping your whites white, getting your kids into the right college, or even making the mortgage this month – these symbols, they are all around you.

Kriyanandaji gives the example of the day you are to be married. If you get up late; your dress rips as you put it on; the car taking you to the wedding gets a flat tire; the preacher gets the stomach flu – hey! It’s not necessarily that you’re marrying the wrong guy – you just shouldn’t marry him that day.

Try explaining THAT to the caterer.

But seriously; everyday, all the time, the Universe, your angels, your guides – they’re trying to get through to you. There are interactions with people, with nature; there are events; and these can be taken at face value, yes -- but also explored for their symbolism.

Think about life as you would when you wake in the morning, and remember your dream. If you were dreaming that a dog is attacking you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should develop a fear of dogs. You look at the symbol of the animal, and the symbol of you being attacked. It could mean many different things, but the meaning will be unique to you, depending on your memories related to dogs, and your feeling state with regards to being attacked.

Tricky stuff.

Today is another important day, astrology wise; it is the precise alignment of the Grand Cardinal Cross. Look at the headlines in the paper; look at the symbolic occurrences in your life over the past couple days, and in the week to come. Journal; reflect; develop awareness. Information is power; but self-awareness, well – that’s EVERYTHING.

Shanti,

Jill

Confidence

After teaching a class a few weeks back, a student approached me to chat. We made small talk, and then he mentioned a class he had taken with another instructor from the Studio. “Her class is really good,” he said, “She’s a great teacher.” “Please tell her that,” I said to him. She is amazing; truly coming into her own power; but all of us who are teachers have moments of doubt about their ability. He looked puzzled and surprised. “Okay,” he said.

Then he asked, “Hey -- what about you? You never seem to have any lack of self-confidence.” I responded as I always have to compliments, especially the back-hand variety. “Oh,” I laughed, “I’m just faking it.” He laughed. “Me, too” he said. And we went our separate ways.

I’ve been thinking about that exchange; and I’ve realized something.

I’m not faking it anymore.

Maybe that sounds like bravado; and let me tell you, it’s not that I am brimming with confidence every moment of every day for sure. I realized in that moment that most of my life I have been faking any confidence I exhibited.

It’s a given, in this society, that you have to exude self-assurance; be certain what you’re doing, and why you’re doing it – even if those concepts have yet to fall into line. So you develop a firm handshake; look people in the eye; and sometimes waste years bumbling down the wrong roads in life because you’re so busy pretending you know what you’re doing, you never stop to ask directions.

Reminds me of a family story we’ve giggled about for years; we were all in the car when my father turned the car out onto the road, going completely the opposite direction of where we were supposed to go. He was already in a grumpy mood, and no one wanted to be the one to tell him of his error. We continued, driving down the road, and my mother tactfully asked -- “Do you know where you are going?” “YES!” he bellowed. Two beat pause. “I’m going the WRONG DAMN WAY, that’s where I’m going!” Then, of course, we all cracked up.

You could pretty much describe my first marriage with this symbolism, but let’s not go there.

What is confidence, really? In my thinking, It relates to the ego. In many yogic or religious schools of thought, they talk of subduing the ego; diminishing the ego; eliminating the ego.

Not so in Kriya.

In Kriya yoga, they speak of building the ego – not to make yourself into a defiant, separate entity; not to inflate your opinion of yourself and your worth; and certainly not to compare yourself to others. You strengthen the ego so that you know who you are; what you are trying to accomplish. You know what you value; you know your own strengths and limitations.

You also know where you’re going, and what the real goals are.

Having an ego helps you to discern that faint line that differentiates between being of service to your fellow beings, and being the flat little doormat under their feet.

I’ve served my time as a doormat. And the thing is, it doesn’t help anyone to achieve anything other than the negative karma the other person creates from harming you, and the negative karma you create for yourself by ALLOWING others to diminish you.

Where does self-confidence come from?

For me, it has emerged from finally beginning to know (and accept) myself; by testing myself and pushing out of my comfort zone; understanding the outer limits of my mind; of my body; recognizing myself as spirit – unchanging, undying – untarnished.

It has come from taking responsibility for everything, EVERYTHING that comes into my life; the good, the bad; the sublime, the ridiculous.

It comes from TIME. You know, certain things just take TIME. If you want an apple pie, you need to plant the apple tree. But it takes years from planting the tree to making the pie.

So many people don’t bother planting the tree.

I am not always confident; I am sure that there will always be times when fear invades, confusion interferes; when I crawl back in time to being the person I was instead of the person I have become.

Though even the fearful me, the confused me, the lost me -- at the end of the day, can stand before a mirror, and look myself in the eye; smile; bow and say “Namaste” – which means the light of God in me sees the light of God in you; and I honor you.

Try it sometime; it is not as simple as it sounds. And it will tell you a lot about yourself.

Shanti,

Jill

Summer 100

One of our family traditions is to create a Summer “to-do” list; 100 things we’d like to make sure we don’t forget to do over the Summer.

I started making a list years ago (1) because I’m a list-maker; I gotta write things down and (2) to appease my eldest daughter, who from the time she was very small would ask every morning if we were going to do EVERYTHING I had told her we’d do in the Summer.

Her memory is like a steel trap, and even as a preschooler, she would wake up the first morning after school was out and start questioning: “Are we going to the beach today? Are we going to Grammy and Pappy’s today? “Are we going for ice cream today?” “Are we going to the park today?” “You SAID this Summer we would . . . . .” On and on and on; ‘bout drove me nuts.

So we created a list, and it helps – it’s easy to let Summer get away from you, especially when you are trying to meet the expectations of five people in two and a half months.

At this stage, the list has evolved so that we sit down as a family, and each take a turn. Some things are family events; some just personal accomplishments. We usually have a few things that get left undone; and certainly lots of things that we do aren’t on the list; but we try our best to accomplish everything.

The list tells an interesting tale of our family; it has changed a lot through the years. This year’s list tells me several things: most prominently, that we’re mildly obsessed with food. It tells me that my children are missing all the things I used to cook or bake regularly before I opened the Studio (wee bit o’ guilt here). It tells me that we don’t go “out” much; and that’s okay with me.

I love that it was the children who came up with “Peace Day,” “No Electricity Day,” “Mommy Appreciation Day” (um, excuse me, that should be EVERYDAY), and “Guru Appreciation Day.”

Here’s our list for this Summer; what about you?

1. Go see Grandma. 2. Picnic at the park. 3. Manicures/Pedicures for the girls. 4. Make homemade pretzels. 5. Picnic at the Arboretum. 6. New kitchen party. 7. Play tennis as a family. 8. Official Cuddle Day. 9. Playdate with Jack. 10. Go to Maggie Moos for ice cream. 11. Go to Alabama for Luke’s graduation. 12. Go to the Children’s Museum in Charlottesville. 13. Bryant gets to shoot his new bb gun. 14. Sleepover with Emma. 15. Buy new shorts for Summer. 16. Stay in our PJs all day and eat pancakes. 17. Go to the Children’s Museum
in Lynchburg. 18. Go to Bubblecake. 19. Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. 20. Get Bryant a Star Wars dart gun. 21. Go to Yogaville. 22. Drive on the Blue Ridge Parkway. 23. Get Alexandra a new bicycle. 24. Make homemade éclairs. 25. Go to Pop’s for lunch. 26. Catch lightening bugs. 27. Make cantaloupe sherbert. 28. Fly kites. 29. Make flan. 30. Make tiramisu. 31. Make blueberry buckle. 32. Go to a baseball game. 33. Parents/kids water gun battle. 34. Have Billie over. 35. Have Mark over. 36. Rent Avatar. 37. Go to Smith Mt. Lake. 38. Mommy/Daddy overnight. 39. Go camping. 40. Go out to dinner as a family. 41. Watermelon Appreciation Day. 42. Cook on the grill. 43. Watch the sunrise. 44. Pick strawberries. 45. Go to the pool. 46. Go to the Seven Springs Farm CSA picnic. 47. Go to Issacs for lunch. 48. Invite the Fitzgerald’s for dinner. 49. Pick blueberries. 50. Make homemade sno cones. 51. Get together with Isabella. 52. Meet Daddy for lunch at Breadcraft. 53. Go to the Indian Festival. 54. Learn new harmonium song. 55. Scrapbook shopping day. 56. No Electricity Day. 57. Playdate with Bryant’s friends. 58. Go to dinner at Luigis. 59. Purchase fig trees. 60. Back to School shopping. 61. Mommy and Isabelle get massages. 62. Sleep outside. 63. Go for a family walk. 64. Make homemade ice cream. 65. Go tubing. 66. Go to the New River. 67. Toast marshmallows. 68. Jane and Tom for dinner. 69. Have the Bazaks over for dinner. 70. Paint pottery at Glazed Bisque-It. 71. Get summer reading material. 72. National Be Outside Day. 73. Make homemade sushi. 74. Go to Harvest Moon in Floyd. 75. Studio party. 76. Isabelle’s Italian lessons. 77. Make lemon poppy seed muffins. 78. Play in the rain. 79. Deal with the hill. 80. Go to Viva La Cupcake. 81. Play at Fishburn Park. 82. Cook all Day Day. 83. Movie Day. 84. Play baseball. 85. Peace Day. 86. Make biscotti. 87. Make cinnamon rolls. 88. Eat gelato. 89. Make snowman sundaes. 90. Watch the sunset. 91. Organize the living room. 92. Have Sarah and Kali over. 93. Ride the Smart Bus to Blacksburg. 94. Play catch football. 95. Mommy Appreciation Day. 96. Find 2nd Studio location. 97. Alexandra cook dinner. 98. Make truffles. 99. Guru Appreciation Day. 100. Have Fun!

Le Tour

The Tour de France begins tomorrow; I love (no – actually, I adore!) Le Tour.

Why?

Well, first of all, it’s like watching a travelogue; the scenery is spectacular; ancient mountains, verdant valleys; old and interesting cities. It is so beautiful to see all the people, lining the sides of the roads in Europe, cheering (perhaps having a little picnic – a plate of tapas, a glass of local vino, and – oh, watching a world-class cycling event) – well, it makes me dream.

I also recognize that it is a very serious, intense, mind-boggling athletic event.. In the US, our sports heroes play a great football or baseball game; a (possibly) whopping two hours of sport.

Ha.

Le Tour? Goes about a month; this is not a “show up for a couple hours, party later” event. This is a pilgrimage; a life-changing shift; a tragedy, a comedy; a time to die, or a time to live; each and every day; for 24 days.

Like a magnet, it pulls me in.

It is so much like real life; you are biking hundreds of miles; no idea whether some idiot has thrown glass on the course; perhaps some child, cheering you on, accidently catches your handlebar with their souvineer mussette (Lance!); some riders are there to make a mark on an individual day; some are there to prove their climbing ability; yet others, their endurance.

Where do you fit in?

This is all so much like life.

Some people are here to make a bold, large statement; some others are just trying to make it through the day; some would prefer a random moment of celebrity; perhaps some are just doing their job; others strive on, have their eyes on the prize (whatever THAT is).

So, what is the prize for you?

That is the ultimate question; what is it that you seek? Are you aiming for enlightenment? Connection to God? Alignment with all that is?

Do you just want not harm anyone else – just tiptoe through this life? Or, perhaps, you just want to make a lot of money, have a really nice house, hot husband, and cool car? (Which is – really – OKAY!).

Seriously; be honest.

Because God knows; the Universe knows; and whatever it is that you seek – it’s coming your way.

And if you can’t get it now – you’ll have to come back, and get it later.
Is that what you really – REALLY – want?

When I watch the Tour de France, I rationalize all that tv time by doing push ups and sit ups; folding laundry. It sometimes feels like wasted time.

And yet -- so many of us – we have no goal; no ideal; no concept of where we are going; we arrived on this planet, begIn to move through the stages – but have no idea what it is that we seek. The wasted time – it’s not just 24 days – it’s 24 months, 24 years – 24 lifetimes.

Let me tell you – you came here; you are seeking.

Set aside some time this month; watch the tenacious bicycle riders; as they ascend and descend, view the magnificent planet we reside on; go inside, to your equally magnificent inner universe; and decide.

Why are you here? What is it that you seek?

Shanti,

Jill

Small Steps (part 2)

Small Steps, part 2 (with a few more to come!) Another list of small changes that make a big difference:

4. Start a journal. You know, like a diary. It doesn’t have to be detailed; it doesn’t have to be every day. But it is important to express yourself; to get what you are thinking and feeling OUT of your body and mind. A journal helps you to see the patterns in your life; to see the recurring, cyclical nature of things. It helps you to figure out who you are; what you want; and where you’re going. To set goals, and measure growth. If you have time to watch tv; time to fiddle around on Facebook; you have time to journal. Start today.

5. Eat less meat. I’m not asking you to adopt a sprouts-and-rice diet here. Just to look at how high up the food chain you are eating at each meal. There is no dispute – the more meat you eat, the more resources are used. Look at your week of meals – breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks. Can you switch out even two meals a week to something without meat? Skip the chicken sandwich in the drive through and pack a hummus sandwich. Order pizza without the pepperoni or sausage. Two meals a week over an entire year – that would save a lot of cows (and a lot of cow poop), my friends.

6. Be pro-active about your health. What does that mean? It means working towards staying healthy, instead of waiting to get sick. It’s kinda like doing the dishes; you maybe don’t feel like doing them right away, but when you let them sit, everything gets all dried up and stuck; and it takes so much more time and effort to get them clean again. Same goes for your body.

Try going for a monthly massage – it’s not just a feel-good rubdown for the spa and tennis set – it moves lymph which aids your immune system; it helps to relieve stress (the cause of a great number of illnesses and diseases); helps to keep you aware of what is happening in your body – I could go on and on here. I go once a month – WAY less expensive than getting sick.

Getting regular acupuncture treatments works well for me, too – it’s like an energy tune-up every month. If I feel a cold, sinus infection or sore throat coming on, I make an appointment for acupuncture right away and head it off at the pass – one visit is usually less expensive than whatever prescription I would need if I let it get really bad – that doesn’t even include the cost of an regular doctor's office visit (or is it actually an office minute . . . .).

Talk to your doctor or naturopath about what supplements you should take. Maybe speak with a dietician or ayurvedic specialist to determine what foods are best for you and your body type. Everyone’s body is quite different; and you might need more protein, or less dairy – take the time and figure it out!

And, for heavens sake, get off your butt and move around every day. Take the steps; park far away from the store; do some yoga; crank up some music and dance; take up a sport; do push ups and sit ups while you watch tv. Unless you some day want to be CONFINED to that Lazy-Boy chair, get OUT of that Lazy-Boy chair.

Shanti,

Jill