Re-Marriage

This Summer I received a Facebook post from an acquaintance – “What would you change about your wedding day?” Her question was aimed toward the ceremony; the DAY; the party (she is an event planner).

It made me smile, because, really –

Um, who cares?

I have no intention to diminish the linking of souls that the ceremony and ritual of marriage creates; but seriously, the party? Does anyone past the third year of marriage spend even five minutes contemplating how they would do the party differently?

Well – okay, yes; I’ll admit. Sometimes I wonder why we spent so much money on the wedding; why I worried about the food and the drink and the band and the dresses and, and, and . . . .

Things like arriving in a limousine, instead of just showing up in our car. It is fascinating to observe yourself become engulfed by the whirlwind of expectation.

Martha Stewart exerted an inordinate amount of control over my life during that period.

I must admit, I didn’t have the awareness to realize this until much later.
So, what would I do different?

Well, I would have spent less on the wedding and more on our house and wedding trip; I would not have registered for china or silver or whatever wacky things that seemed so critical at that moment. (Sad, but true, we almost never use the china because it cannot go through the dishwasher, and I’m much too lazy to polish silver. Ahhh, reality.)

I would have spent more time meeting with our priest, even though our pre-wedding sessions with her were only “required” because I had been divorced. Those were beautiful, critical, enlightening moments. As I look back, I realize how important it was to have someone there to independently observe and bridge the communication gaps.

I would not have hurried so much to schedule a date, though I realize why I did; I was terrified he would change his mind; and I loved (and love) him so much; it was an empty place in my soul, and I needed his commitment in front of God and everyone to feel whole.

It is good now to realize that I feel whole within myself; but truly, that growth could not have occurred without his constant, consistent support and love.

He has taught me that washing dishes, and bringing someone a cup of morning coffee, and being patient; these things demonstrate love.

That it is not the dramatic gesture; not jewelry or fancy gifts; though they are appreciated; it is the everyday kindness, caring and support that build a life together.

You have your children, and you love and adore your children; but their job is to leave you; and so they shall. But when you create a love relationship, a partnership; a marriage; as your creations prepare to depart, you still (hopefully) have one another.

I read once that any good marriage is actually a series of re-marriages. That every couple years, you grow, you change; you separate in certain ways. And that to keep your relationship together, to keep the love; you have to renegotiate the terms.

You grow, you shift; and you come back together and say “well, here is who I am, and where I am; where are you?” You work out new ground rules, new ways of being and loving. You re-marry. Or else; you don’t.

We all know what happens when you don’t.

Sometimes the disintegration is slow, methodical; sometimes, you go along in blissful ignorance, and something blows you apart. Either way; you’re done. There’s nothing there; no ties that bind, that connect; that wish to receive each other.

Would you choose to wander back through time and change anything about your wedding day? Maybe change photographers, update your hairstyle, or serve different food?

What about your relationship, right now; is there anything you would change? Any outdated patterns or ways of thinking – not just in your partner, but yourself? Do you even know the new person who your spouse or partner has become through the years? Do you know yourself?

Might be time to “re-marry.”

Shanti,

Jill

Symbols

There have been a number of very important astrological events in the past two years, but particularly this Summer; epic, life changing, Earth shifting cosmic things (at least for those of us who believe the planets and stars impact life here on Earth.

I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again; I was an astrology naysayer; thought it was complete bull . . . um . . .crap.

That’s the beauty of yoga, and any other tradition that is based on personal experience, instead of forced belief; I looked into it; investigated. Whoa. The real deal.

As a yogi, I look to these dates of astrological significance, and I look at my life; pondering the symbols, to gain insight into the cycle. For many of these cycles are long-term; example: Pluto in the sign of Capricorn is a 14-year cycle. So, if the symbols regarding the movement of Pluto into that sign weren’t so great for you, you need to start working to soften that energy, because the only other option is to hunker down and get used to the chaos for the next 12 years.

As I ask friends about the symbols that surround these events in their life, they look at me (or email me), and ask – symbols? What do you mean, symbols?

Therefore; time to blog on symbols.

I often say that I would prefer the Universe send me a parchment scroll; dropped down out of the sky; escorted by angels; and written in English. And it would say “Jill – You must . . . (fill in the blank); you must NOT . . . (fill in the blank). I love you no matter what; hence, you have a certain amount of free will; but (fill in the blank) will occur if you make the wrong choice. Love, always, GOD.”

Knowing the way my mind functions, I would even question that – thinking, “Well, yes, it is a parchment scroll, coming down from heaven; and yes, there were angels (were there trumpets? I don’t recall trumpets.)” And I would want ANOTHER symbol; you know, something big and concrete – like a burning bush (though not too close to the house, please) to make certain that it was for real.

*Sigh* -- it doesn’t work that way.

The Universe doesn’t speak English, or Japanese; it usually doesn’t even speak drama; the big, huge events don’t usually come until you’ve missed the point a couple/three times.

Bummer.

So while you’re worrying about keeping your whites white, getting your kids into the right college, or even making the mortgage this month – these symbols, they are all around you.

Kriyanandaji gives the example of the day you are to be married. If you get up late; your dress rips as you put it on; the car taking you to the wedding gets a flat tire; the preacher gets the stomach flu – hey! It’s not necessarily that you’re marrying the wrong guy – you just shouldn’t marry him that day.

Try explaining THAT to the caterer.

But seriously; everyday, all the time, the Universe, your angels, your guides – they’re trying to get through to you. There are interactions with people, with nature; there are events; and these can be taken at face value, yes -- but also explored for their symbolism.

Think about life as you would when you wake in the morning, and remember your dream. If you were dreaming that a dog is attacking you, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should develop a fear of dogs. You look at the symbol of the animal, and the symbol of you being attacked. It could mean many different things, but the meaning will be unique to you, depending on your memories related to dogs, and your feeling state with regards to being attacked.

Tricky stuff.

Today is another important day, astrology wise; it is the precise alignment of the Grand Cardinal Cross. Look at the headlines in the paper; look at the symbolic occurrences in your life over the past couple days, and in the week to come. Journal; reflect; develop awareness. Information is power; but self-awareness, well – that’s EVERYTHING.

Shanti,

Jill

Le Tour

The Tour de France begins tomorrow; I love (no – actually, I adore!) Le Tour.

Why?

Well, first of all, it’s like watching a travelogue; the scenery is spectacular; ancient mountains, verdant valleys; old and interesting cities. It is so beautiful to see all the people, lining the sides of the roads in Europe, cheering (perhaps having a little picnic – a plate of tapas, a glass of local vino, and – oh, watching a world-class cycling event) – well, it makes me dream.

I also recognize that it is a very serious, intense, mind-boggling athletic event.. In the US, our sports heroes play a great football or baseball game; a (possibly) whopping two hours of sport.

Ha.

Le Tour? Goes about a month; this is not a “show up for a couple hours, party later” event. This is a pilgrimage; a life-changing shift; a tragedy, a comedy; a time to die, or a time to live; each and every day; for 24 days.

Like a magnet, it pulls me in.

It is so much like real life; you are biking hundreds of miles; no idea whether some idiot has thrown glass on the course; perhaps some child, cheering you on, accidently catches your handlebar with their souvineer mussette (Lance!); some riders are there to make a mark on an individual day; some are there to prove their climbing ability; yet others, their endurance.

Where do you fit in?

This is all so much like life.

Some people are here to make a bold, large statement; some others are just trying to make it through the day; some would prefer a random moment of celebrity; perhaps some are just doing their job; others strive on, have their eyes on the prize (whatever THAT is).

So, what is the prize for you?

That is the ultimate question; what is it that you seek? Are you aiming for enlightenment? Connection to God? Alignment with all that is?

Do you just want not harm anyone else – just tiptoe through this life? Or, perhaps, you just want to make a lot of money, have a really nice house, hot husband, and cool car? (Which is – really – OKAY!).

Seriously; be honest.

Because God knows; the Universe knows; and whatever it is that you seek – it’s coming your way.

And if you can’t get it now – you’ll have to come back, and get it later.
Is that what you really – REALLY – want?

When I watch the Tour de France, I rationalize all that tv time by doing push ups and sit ups; folding laundry. It sometimes feels like wasted time.

And yet -- so many of us – we have no goal; no ideal; no concept of where we are going; we arrived on this planet, begIn to move through the stages – but have no idea what it is that we seek. The wasted time – it’s not just 24 days – it’s 24 months, 24 years – 24 lifetimes.

Let me tell you – you came here; you are seeking.

Set aside some time this month; watch the tenacious bicycle riders; as they ascend and descend, view the magnificent planet we reside on; go inside, to your equally magnificent inner universe; and decide.

Why are you here? What is it that you seek?

Shanti,

Jill

Responsibility

There was recently an article in the paper about how emergency rooms are now seeing just as many patients with prescription drug overdoses as patients with illegal drug overdoses.

It’s a blurry little line, I guess.

It reminded me of an experience I had back after my youngest child was born. He was my third baby in five years; I was nursing him; and true, I had my hands full. But I felt extra tired; really lethargic; my hair was turning gray really fast; I was constipated all the time; and the idea of being intimate with my husband sounded like the most insane idea ever.

I was not myself; and I didn’t know why.

There are always symbols around us from the Universe, from our higher selves, that are trying to show us the way, and one day, as I stood at the pharmacy counter waiting for a prescription for one of my children, I noticed a little card. It said across the top “Do You Have Hypothyroidism?” It went on to list 10 symptoms of the autoimmune disease. I had 8 of the 10.

So I went home and called my doctor; made an appointment; and when I saw him, explained that I had seen this card; that my grandmother had been hypothyroid; and asked to be tested.

He looked at me kindly, and inquired about my symptoms; asked if I had gained any weight. I said yes – there seemed to be a good five pounds that I couldn’t beat off my body, even though I was doing yoga daily, and was strictly monitoring my diet. He said “Come back to me when you gain 30 or 40 pounds; you’re just a little depressed. You have three small children, you’re not getting enough sleep. You need a little something to take the edge off – I’ll prescribe you an antidepressant.”

If it had not been for my yoga practice; if I did not know my body intimately; know the state of my mind, I would have probably just taken the prescription. But I DID know my body, and I DID know my mind – I had suffered from depression as a teenager so I knew I was NOT depressed. Something was really wrong with me, and it wasn’t just a case of the blues.

I stood my ground (which at the time, was unusual for me); he agreed to test me; and called within days to say “Good diagnosis, doctor.” The normal range was 0-5. My level was 55.

I shudder to think what would have happened had I simply taken that prescription for an antidepressant; as the lack of thyroid hormone slowly set off a cascade of problems, and the antidepressant covered up some of my symptoms, like a bandaid covering a festering sore.

My thyroid still doesn’t work, though I have been able to get my hormone dosage lowered through acupuncture and going upside down every day.

But how many other people – women especially – have been placed on these medicines; these mind and body altering drugs -- when in fact, they are seriously ill?

Part of this coming cycle is to bring us back to being responsible for ourselves; to stop leaving it up to experts, to doctors, to politicians, to religious leaders – to others – it is up to YOU to take care of you; your health, your finances, your spiritual well-being; your community, your nation, your planet.

It is time to stop the cycle of looking at the people in charge and simply throwing up our hands and saying “geez – look what they’ve done!” as you shake your head and walk away.

It is time to step up. To take responsibility. To seize your power, your creativity, your wisdom; and do the work.

Shanti,

Jill

Time of Change

There is a dramatic period of change coming upon us . . . do you feel it?

I do. And it alternately thrills me and terrifies me. Such is my relationship to change.

We are preparing to enter a new phase of existence. A period of astrology that indicates a vast shift that involves our country, the planet and pretty much everyone and everything on it. It is not something to be afraid of -- but does it sound like mumbo-jumbo to you? It certainly would have to me, not so long ago.

Like many things, when I first heard them, my mind said “what? – no way.”

And then I thought about them; my experiences augmented my understanding; and instead it was “Ah-HA!” Think back; is that true for you?

When I was pretty young – about 21 years old -- I worked as a secretary at a law firm in Boston; a big-time law firm, my desk on the 36th floor overlooking the ocean -- and I worked for two incredible, brilliant women. One of them was an up-and-coming associate, and though I respected her, and liked her, I still didn’t give her thoughts and opinions the weight that I gave my “senior” partner.

One day she mentioned that she had stopped eating meat for the environment. Well, this was a while back – 1988-ish – and I thought that was gibberish. “Well,” she stated -- without any malice or edge to her opinion -- “It takes 2,000 gallons of water for each pound of beef . . . and so I’ve stopped eating red meat.”

Oh, PLEASE! I thought. That’s ridiculous! Makes no sense.

But actually – it does. You’ve got to give water to that animal as it grows; plant, nurture, harvest and process it’s food; deal with it’s excrement; and then – when you kill the animal, there is a lot of water involved in dissecting, processing, packaging, and cleaning up the mess.

Two thousand gallons per pound actually sounds like an understatement.

But at the time, my mind was not open; whatever contradicted my mindset at the time, I immediately placed in my own mental garbage pile. I was not prepared for my concepts, my ideals, to be challenged. My own sense of self was not even completely formed. How could my mind do battle with anything foreign? I just wasn’t equipped.

It was like that with astrology. I mean, really – reading the stars? Watching the planets? Okay – reading the daily horoscope, that was acceptable – but really getting into the movement of the planets, signs, houses? Absurd!

Then I read “Autobiography of a Yogi” by Paramahansa Yogananda. Which, if you read it, is not at all what you would expect. Yoganandaji is so honest in his failures, so humble in his glories. There is so much great information in this book, and there is an excellent chapter entitled “Outwitting the Stars.” In it Yoganandaji says to his teacher “I don’t believe in astrology.” And Sri Yukteswar’s response is fantastic: “

It is not a question of belief; the scientific attitude one should take on any subject is whether it is true. The law of gravitation worked as efficiently before Newton as after him. The cosmos would be fairly chaotic of its laws could not operate without the sanction of human belief.”

He goes on to explain astrology in a way that makes it real; that ties it together with why we exist; where we came from; and where we’re going. It opened my mind to the possibility, and I decided to look a little deeper.

Have you ever admired a glorious full moon? Really beautiful, isn’t it? And it is really just a reflection of the Sun; without the Sun, we would never even see it.

That Moon – one very small celestial body in the vast sky -- has the power to move the oceans on this planet, and create the tides; you yourself are almost 75 percent water – it effects you, too.

Now ponder – it takes a MILLION Earths to reach the equivalent size of the Sun; a MILLION.

That’s . . . a lot.

And our “Sun” is but just one star in a solar system in a galaxy full of other stars, planets and systems. We are on a small tilted planet, spinning through space; we think we know what is up and what is down; what is “right” and what is “left” (or what is “right” or “wrong”). But really, to quote my Guru, “we’re a speck, on a speck, on a speck.”

Astrology gives us that insight into where, when and how. And now – big change is coming.

It is not random, and whether it is positive or negative will depend a lot upon your viewpoint, and your astrology.

Don’t let your cultural programming take over. Investigate; then decide.

Shanti,

Jill

To Card or Not To Card

So, it’s mid-December; the crunch is on. I’ve got three young children and feel the need to make the holiday happen – there are expectations to be met, and traditions to be upheld; even as the cosmic ground shifts beneath us, as the world begins to change. (I’m sure you feel it).

Things are also busy at the Studio. The number of students this time of year is a little low, but there are gift packages to put together, the Winter Solstice celebration, gearing up for coming events.

I have come to the point in life where I realize (a little late, I might add) that I matter, too. My experience of the holiday counts. What do I want?

I want to bake LOTS of cookies – pecan tassies, Russian teacakes, sugar cookies, candy-cane cookies, mmmmmmm . . . . (always my soft spot). I want to decorate the tree – my way (loads of not matching ornaments, colorful lights; Martha Stewart would NOT approve). I want to spent time with friends, having tea, catching up. I want to purchase gifts that are meaningful and useful (and I want to do it quickly and efficiently; I do NOT want to spend time shopping).

I want to ponder the birth of Jesus; spend time exploring my relationship with him and the Blessed Mother; and continue to reconcile the wonder of His divine love to my life, as I live it, today.

This Thanksgiving, I made a plan. And a resolution. Need to simplify . . . so I decided not to send holiday cards this year.

They have always hung over my head, year after year. I was thinking, how great to have no pressure to produce a perfect photograph (okay, any REASONABLE photograph) of my three children. No pressure to locate the cards left over from last year (um, seriously; where are they? I’m a logical person; but why, oh why, aren’t they in my Christmas box?) No pressure to write our names over and over; no pressure to jot a note, or to write one of those little newsletter things.

Such a relief to let go of one more holiday requirement – er, um, I mean, tradition.

But now, cards from friends and family have begun to arrive in our mail.

And I’m so grateful to receive them! Beautiful photographs of my friends and their children. It is wonderful to see those babies growing and changing from year to year. And my friends, too! Not so young, but just as beautiful as ever. They are happy; they are well; they are living their lives, unfolding in their purpose. It is joyful to read even the the most brief of updates.

So now, at the last minute, I am re-thinking my plan. How can I repay these people for the happiness, the joy, the news that they have sent to me?

I think, perhaps -- maybe -- I’ll just send a couple cards – a select few.

So -- how do I choose???

Some cards come from my oldest and dearest friends; I never want to break that link. Some come from new friends. Those who know me as I am now are just as precious.

I glance at the calendar; there’s a little break in my schedule in February!

Perhaps, I’ll send Valentines.



I hope that you enjoy the blessings of the season.

If your heart feels hard, give even the smallest gift to someone in need. There is no greater blessing than to be able to give.

Shanti,

Jill

Breathwork Homework

I am taking a Restorative Breathwork training course in order to become certified as a Barratt Breathworks restorative practioner. Part of my homework for this month is building an awareness of my own breath. Taking time to lie in savasana (the corpse pose/final relaxation pose), and explore the rhythm, depth, location, movement, pace – everything! about my own natural breath.

This sounds pretty simple; it is not.

Not only that, but for me, locating time to lie quietly and breathe in a household of three children is difficult. Convincing them that what I am doing is actually homework is mission impossible. But the toughest part is trying to concentrate, stay present with the breath, and not allow my mind to go bonkers when they (inevitably) interrupt.

My daughter wanders in, seeing me lying on the floor, eyes closed.

“Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.

Mommy?

Mommy??! MOMMY!!!!!!”

I pop off the floor -- "WHAT!????!! -- I’m doing my homework!"

“Homework?” she replies, “I wish that was MY homework.”

I do a mental eye roll. This is not easy; my breathing homework is hard. Breathwork digs up emotions, breaks down barriers; breathwork is WORK. I lie back down, close my eyes, and try to resume my practice. Relax the body; quiet the mind; notice my breath.

My son wanders in, lies down next to me and curls up close, snuggling my arm. As I open my eyes, his head lifts and he smiles down at me. “I guess this is cuddle work,” he says, and then lays back down.

Ah, yes – cuddle work. I think I’ll pursue my Ph.D.

Why blog?

Well, my friends, I am joining the ranks of individuals who think they have something to say, and hope they have someone to say it to. I’m beginning a blog.

Why? Well, mostly for the Studio – to help get the word out about yoga; not just classes, not just Uttara, but, YOGA.

The word yoga translates from Sanskrit to mean “union” or “integration.” So many in this country associate it with stretching, relaxing; maybe getting a stronger core or loose hamstrings. But truly, yoga is a system for solving human problems; it’s been on the planet, tried and true, perfected and taught for at least 5,000 years. Spandex and sticky mats are very recent additions.



When I teach yoga to children, I find it fascinating to ask them what they think it is. Most of the time they quickly arrange themselves into “criss-cross applesauce” (sitting cross-legged), place their arms dramatically out to their sides, thumbs touching pointer fingers, close their eyes, and hum. It is beautiful that they immediately hook into the meditative, quieting aspect of yoga.

The word for pose in Sanskrit is asana – and the asanas will help you to create a more healthy, functioning body. And a healthy, happy body does help you to create a healthy, happy life. But there is so much more to yoga than just stretching and strengthening. So much more than strong arms and tight abs. We perfect the body in yoga so we can forget about it and get on with the important work we have come here to do.


In the coming months I look forward to exploring yoga as a lifestyle, not a class. And I offer this viewpoint from the unique perspective of someone trying to blend this ancient tradition with my very average American life. As anyone with children can tell you, hiding in a cave somewhere and meditating for hours can sound pretty darn attractive. The path of the householder, of blending a spiritual practice and lifestyle with being a wife, mother, teacher and business owner can be complex, to say the least.

I hope you’ll join me on this journey, and we can learn from each other.

Blessings to you, now and always,

Shanti (peace),

Jill