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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Relationship Karma . . . again

I think I am learning a little bit about relationships right now.
. . . [ridiculously long pause] . . .
Actually, I appear to have registered for a crash-course in relationships at the not-so-young age of 44.  Emphasis on the term “CRASH.”
Part of the reason there have been no posts to this blog is because my life is exploding on many levels.  Not necessarily in negative ways, but yet for me during this period it has been a good practice to conserve energy, keep my head down, and watch for incoming objects (ie, emotions, reactions, events).

So, tonight -- I am up late.  I am printing some astrology information for my files.  And in the process of printing, I am noticing some things.  Like how when I use the printer,  I’ve got to put the sheet of paper in just so – if I put in a sheet that already has writing on it – ie, some life experience, it’s been through the mill – then I better put it in the correct way, or I just print right over the old stuff.  What results is just a mess.  In order to print a fresh, new page, I’d better learn to insert the paper in the correct manner.  If the paper is bent up?  Not receptive?  It will never, ever work out the way I want.  Hmmmmm.

The other thing I notice is that impatience gets me every time.  If the printer is ready to roll, but the paper is not, then best not to just stick the paper in there.  Because, BAM, it jams right up.  You can predict this; it’s not unexpected; it’s not odd or confusing.  If you pay attention, you figure it out within the first three or four times you run it.  The printer needs to be ready to receive the paper, not the other way around.  Totally predictable result that you can directly link to impatience.  Hmmmmmm.
Once again; once AGAIN, I have failed at maintaining a pivotal relationship in my life because of . . . . well, truthfully; many things.  But my perceived primary responsibility for this failure?  I did not speak my truth.  I did not ask for what I needed, and for what I wanted.  My needs were put aside, swept under the proverbial rug; when things were not okay I shrugged my shoulders and said “sure.”  When it hurt and felt limiting and my voice went unheard, I let it go.
And, truth is also that I will admit to feeling noble for sacrificing my desires, my needs; for ignoring my absolute utter fundamental ideals; in order to keep the peace and maintain what was, because I was afraid of what would be.  Because the pain that I already knew felt more comfortable than the dark unknown.

So, just like the printer . . . BAM. 
That is, of course, the short emotionless version. 

Reality is, the relationship is over.  I think of love like well.  Each interaction either fills or takes.  The healthy well ebbs, and flows.
Thousands of times I dipped down into that well – thinking it filled with bottomless love and devotion; and then, there is the final time – and my bucket scraped hard and loud across that stone floor.  There was nothing left.

Learn from my mistakes.  Feed that which you wish to grow.
Speak your truth; love with your heart and your head; love with your honesty, and with your voice.

If you know the printer jams when you force the paper in – you know yourself and where the pitfuls of you and your partner await -- and you intend to keep that printer -- then, maybe, this time, you will be patient; you will understand how its fundamental nature.
If you are dealing with a printer, you will wait; if you are dealing with a person, you will SPEAK.
Shanti,

Jill

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