On Crying

Crying sucks. 

Though, there is a cleansing beauty to it.  To let go; to break free.  A good cry can be like a good sneeze; -- cathartic; opening.  A cry tends to last longer than a sneeze though a sneeze is more socially acceptable than a good cry.

I have had times; LONG times; months; when I would not or could not cry. 

Never sure which was more in charge, the "would" or the "could." 

Hmmm.

When I WOULD not cry, who the hell cries?  I was the steel and the stone; totally controlled.  A freakin' fortress.  But then; at some point; I realize ---

HA.

I am not; I am not the steel; I am NOT the stone.  I NEED to cry; And yet -- I cannot; steel and stone; they no longer protect me: they entomb me.

Its not that you have no compassion; that you are hard and harsh; it's just that there are inner walls and outer walls and you become an expert at building inner walls.  People in your life think that they have hit your inner limits and so you let them and -- yet -- really -- it's just the outer sanctuary of the inner life -- and you smile and you talk and there is still that fortress -- a good mile from the real inner center and excuse-me-but-i-prefer-you-stay-here-thank-you-very-much.

The tears do come; they will; it is a terrifying moment; more than a moment, a huge shift; down come the walls; even though you realize it marks progress; the interior has been breached.

Inner alarms sound: and yet -- you welcome the healing flood that you so-long feared.

My insides have been in knots; managed the whole first part of 2011 inert; remember buying the movie "Up" -- have you seen it?   First two minutes in and I am tearing in gushes, like the Nile.

Children hovering; comforting and worrying; (sweet, but the guilt flows in, too); each moment of the beginning crushes me with emotion; and then the silly-damn-movie starts and and I can get a grip.

I did get a grip -- and also recover -- recover the gift of tears.  Which visited me often: often and flowing, over the Summer of 2011.

Hiding in the shower; on the porch during storms; I received my pain.

Could once again feel -- but also suffer -- a portal had opened, and, dammit, would not close.

Tonight? Another frightening opening -- the chance for love and change brings a huge cry, big tears; trying to find my way, my space in the Universe.  Who will receive my love; who will receive my pain?

Do I scare you?  Cause I scare the HELL OUTTA me?

My biggest obstacle is -- OF COURSE -- me.

Feel what you feel; express what you you feel; be so grateful not to be "shushed" through your tears.

AUUUMM shanti,

Jill