Motherhood and Other Impossible Things

I have some things on my mind.  Perhaps if I convey the stories we can both ponder and it might bring some type of understanding of what is happening in my world.

So last week I am driving past the middle school; and my child remarks that the girls soccer games have started.  And due to scheduling, some of their games will be on the practice field.  I asked why -- because that field isn't maintained like the other field.  She replies that the boys' soccer team gets to use the actual field, the girls only use it if the boys do not need it.  I was genuinely surprised and expressed something about the unfairness of it.  Her reply was "well, Mom, that's just the way it is."  Hmmm.  Okay.

This week I am conversing with a young friend of another one of my children.  We are discussing the fact that she runs for the track team.  "Oh, cool!" I exclaim as we discuss what events she participates in.  "Do you like to run?" I ask.  "Umm, well -- no."  The child looks down, avoiding my eyes.  "Well, then why do you do it?" I ask.  "For college; to get a scholarship; I do things to get into college  -- that's the only reason I do anything."  Hmmmm.  Okay.

See this picture?  Today I am looking at this paperwhite; I put it into water back in December; had a big 'ole vase of them -- most grew roots and bloomed beautifully in my bedroom, bringing the luxurious feel and scent of Spring throughout this dark Winter.  When I went to compost the spent bulbs this one was lurking in the bottom; maybe it was crowded by the others, maybe it just didn't like the sunlight or temperature.  I placed it in it's own little vase on my kitchen window, and noticed it daily.

And now, a little late, it is blooming.  It makes me happy.  And I am noticing how long the roots are; it took a LOT of water.  I notice the pregnant bulge of the bulb; and how very many green leaves it takes to create the food to feed this one small and short-lived bundle of flowers.

All these stories lead to an emotional hard spot -- I have hit a patch in my mothering career that is beyond difficult.  I have a problem, and I do not know what to do.

I look back through the years of being a parent -- I have felt many emotions.  I have been confused; terrified; overwhelmed; exhausted.  I have been thrilled; amazed; joyful; hopeful; and filled with a love so deep I thought I would burst.  Gazing back to the toddler years with my rose colored bifocals and it seems there was more black and white then. 

As I move into parenting teens there is this vast sea of gray. 

So, today, I will remember my paperwhite; it couldn't just fit in with the pack; it needed it's own space and extra attention.  And it blossomed on its schedule, not mine.

Shanti,

Jill

Teaching

So recently my daughter had a friend over for a visit; right after school, they did homework together.  At some point in the afternoon they wandered into the living room; I was working myself through a basic hatha yoga routine.  Nothing crazy, but not simple.  I personally need a sweaty yogic kick-in-the-pants to focus. 

“Ohhhh, wow, Ms. Loftis!  You’re really great at yoga!”  My daughter’s friend kept watching.  It used to bother me to be watched during practice; but, I have three children -- at this point, it feels like part of the practice to just let that whole thing go and keep flowing.

She kept on with the comments and compliments.  I deflected, put it all aside. – “Oh, honey, not really; I’m just practicing.”  She compliments and comments again; I make small talk and diminish; just working through my routine, my junk; she only sees the outer stuff, but I see all the sticky, inner mess.  I know this is not an advanced practice.  I might be doing a headstand, but internally -- it’s yogic kindergarten.

 “Ohhh” – she comments to my daughter – “your Mom is just like you – she doesn’t think she is good at anything.” 

I snap to attention.

 

REALLY?

My brilliant, beautiful daughters – I have two of them, and when I say they are brilliant and beautiful it is truth -- I do not brag.  I have taught them.  And this is the result? 

Apparently -- not with words, but with action – I have taught them not to own their amazingness; to dodge compliments; to avoid praise.  I have taught them the complete opposite of my words.  I can tell them all day, all week, all year, that they are smart, resourceful, amazing women.  But when they listen to me avoid praise, diffuse compliments; to not come into my own being.  That is what they remember, they recall; it is what they live.

A few months later a dear friend’s daughter posts this to Facebook right at Valentines’ Day: 

 

“Reminiscing on past relationships, I realized my best one ever was with myself. I took myself on the best dates, always knew just what to buy me, never forgot to tell myself I looked nice, rarely fought with me, didn't have to wait around for me to call, spending time with me was always a blast, and when I was being a bitch to me i didn't even get angry. Maybe I'll take me out for valentine's day. I love me.”

 

My first reaction is confusion – who likes themselves this much?  Who has this beautiful, kind, generous relationship with anyone except those OUTSIDE of themselves?
 
Then I realized; this child’s mother – she taught her well.  Or maybe; just maybe; she arrived with the knowledge.

Either way, it shines and light for me and for my girls - ooohhhhh goodness; Goddess Bless; this Mamma has sooooo much work to do.

Shanti,

Jill

The Journey

A dear friend was visiting tonight; it had been far too long, so much catching up to do.  She saw my new space, the house I am renting after my divorce.  So good and affirming to have a sensitive soul acknowledge that I am blooming where planted.

We covered so much life in a mere two hours.  Eventually we glanced on the topic of my divorce.  She asked if communication with my ex was amicable, and I was so grateful to be able to answer a firm “yes” – we have been kind, understanding, and working in the best interests of our children. 

I am surrounded by families who are disintegrating in less harmonious ways, to everyone’s detriment. 

I have much to be grateful for.

And she reminded me, and I was so blessed by the reminder – she said something along the lines of “oh, well, so it means that you are not angry or sending out negative energy; give yourself credit for not creating a negative situation.”  And I had not really realized that – but it is true; I harbor no ill will; no anger; just sadness, and I think I have let that go, too.

I was so clearly meant to have three children with this man; but not to live the rest of my life with him.  He has honored our relationship by not punishing me for my decision.

As one of my dear astrologer friends says “sometimes, the karma is out” -- is time for someone to leave your life, and for you to leave their life.  If you finish your mission, as it were, with the souls in your realm, then they fade away – or sometimes vanish.  If they linger, re-surface; then you have work to do.

But remember -- attitude is all.

The spirit in which you approach what you are doing or living has more impact than anything you say verbally; any email or text.

I am in a transitory period in my story; my “Personal Legend” as Paulo Coelho so brilliantly illustrates in his epic work The Alchemist (you have not read this book???? please PLEASE do).  It is important to give thanks and appreciation to those who light the way and to be grateful to those who have brought me my karma.

Make the inner shift of gratitude; then trust and release; and THEN – step back and see what unfolds.

Shanti,

Jill

 

Tragedy

As we observe and process the horrific school shooting that occurred yesterday, an enormous amount of emotion and grief is unleashed into the collective.

 

We feel overwhelmed with sadness and anger and our minds can quickly move into imagining that event occurring in our own lives; the anguish of receiving “that” phone call or being in that situation.

I would suggest that we try not to go there; with our minds or our emotions.  For whatever reason yesterday, you did not receive the call.  You were not at the school to witness the events.  You were not shot.  You were not the shooter.

You could indeed have been any one of those people.

And so how do we understand the why and the how of such things?  My understanding of karma helps me to see the cosmic dance in a different way, and it helps me.  To think – to believe – that this was a lesson that these souls chose to learn.  That their purpose in this existence was lived out either before or at this particular event.  Some souls complete their journey here after two minutes; some take two years; others, twenty or fifty or eighty; our concept of time and assumption that we are allotted an 70+ period of time here are very Earthly concepts.

Mourn not for the lost potential of those children and adults; direct your attention to sending light to those left behind.  When our loved ones move on/transition/die – however you perceive it – it is often ourselves that we cry for.  For the gaping hole in the fabric of our existence that once was this person and the relationship. 

My grandmother buried two children and would proffer the idea that Hell was indeed here on Earth.  Death is indeed the only guarantee upon birth; but there is much more pain when it is not in the natural order of things.

What to do?  How to find peace?

Turn off your television; stop reading through the scroll of photos from the internet.  Life is for the living, and we are all absolutely and completely connected; the repetition numbs us – do not become numb.

Spend time doing the things that matter to you with the people that matter to you.  Pour that emotionality into service.  If you have children, spend time with them and love them the best you can.

Volunteer at a local school to tutor or read to the children; if you take a moment to truly look around your community you will find so many children living with poverty, abuse, emotional and physical neglect that it will shock you – let it shock you into action.

Listen to the people around you; some are crying out for a shoulder to lean on; for someone to listen; our society has become so disconnected.  Many, MANY people are on medications to relieve their sadness and despair.  Until everyone feels that connection and knows that they are loved, respected and heard, this will continue.

Do whatever it is for yourself that keeps you in the light, and of the light.  And then, never hesitate to share that light with those around you.

To honor the dead, be one who is truly LIVING.

Shanti,

Jill

Richard Gartner is Coming to Roanoke!!

Super excited to tell you that Richard Gartner is traveling to Roanoke next weekend (Friday, October 26 and Saturday, October 27) to present three workshops at Uttara. 

I met Richard on one of his trips passing through Roanoke on his way to points South.  He had Googled around to find yoga studios to stop at on his travels (sign of a dedicated yogi).   Last year I attended six hours of workshops with him on a visit to Pittsburgh, and decided you guys REALLY needed to meet him.

And -- hey -- let me tell you – setting up workshops is . . . work.  Cancelling the regular classes; figuring out what people are interested in.  Lots of time and energy, both of which are precious.

When I first opened I offered a lot of workshops; I was just honored that people wanted to come to Uttara to present their work.  Now?  I’m picky.  Realllllllly picky.

Richard reminds me a lot of my asana (asana means yoga poses) teacher, Kim Schwartz, in that he is about precision, alignment, and working at deep, DEEEEEEP levels with the physical and energetic body.  Yet, there is a joy and a lightness; real openness and heart. 

You do NOT have to have a super-incredible flexible-noodle practice to come to these workshops.  Just be a seeker on the path.

What makes Richard super special is his way with words; his language is precise, yet accessible.  He radiates kindness and dedication.  He’s about adapting poses, not people.

I have studied with many teachers, and would count him among the best.

His classes in Pittsburgh were packed, and although I know you have never heard of him (yet), if you can you should try to make one of more of these workshops.  Read the descriptions; his languaging is really beautiful.  Come see.

Friday, October 26                                                  6:00 to 8:30 pm

Yin Yoga Primer -- Yin Yoga is revolutionary in its quiet stillness. As opposed to most styles of yoga, which deal with muscle flexibility and activity, Yin focuses on stimulating the “chi” in passive connective tissues, ligaments and cartilage.  A Yin yoga practice reverses the contractile effects of aging on the shoulders, spine and hips. Richard will present Yin Yoga theory as it relates to Yoga philosophy, meditation practice and your own anatomy.  He will then guide you through a quiet Yin practice that will target the lateral fascial lines of the body. We will conclude with breathing practices to assist in harvesting your awareness.  Fee $35 prepaid/$40 at the door.

Saturday, October 27                                                9:30 to Noon

Nurturing the Organic Body  -- The abdomen contains your life force: it is the center of digestion, filtration, immune function and elimination. Habitual tension can result in fascial restrictions around these organs and congest the circulatory and immune system channels. For those with third chakra excess or deficiency, the core may be either too rigid or too weak to give proper support to the upper chakras.

‘Nurturing the organic body’ focuses on understanding and releasing holding patterns in the torso, wringing out organs and stimulating flow and communication in the organic body. This approach involves the wise use of arms and legs—the organs of action—to maximize release in the torso—the organs of reception.  Please refrain from eating at least two hours before the session. Fee $35 prepaid/$40 at the door.

Saturday, October 27                                          2:00 to 4:30 pm

The Resolute Bow: Yoking Strength and Ease in the Back Body -- In many cultures, the bow is regarded as a show of respect or gratitude. It is also a means to draw one’s attention inward.  However, though the gesture is an act of softening, it involves stretching the strongest fascial lines in the body. Developing open hamstrings, calves and spine takes sthira (strength) and commitment.

Students will be guided through a sequence that safely and effectively improves their forward folds. Through discerning action in the legs and hips, this workshop also address sacral stability techniques.  Strong leg engagement helps us find our support, physically and emotionally. The English language has idioms that express this: "To dig one's heels in" and "land on your feet." It’s with this firm ground we can then find ease in our system.  Fee $35 prepaid/$40 at the door.

 

Giving . . . but mostly Receiving

New house; new home; new life; got back in early September from AMAZING trip to Scotland and France (really!!!); began the search and BOOM -- found the perfect place in the perfect location; just really, really, REALLY fast.

So, pulling it together quickly; less than two weeks from decision to HERE!  And, like many things flowing into my life right now, moving was a large lesson in accepting help. 

This is something that I am not so good at.  I am stubborn.  Stubbbbbbbbbornnnnn.  It has served me in some cases and in others, not so much. 

I can think of so many times in my life when someone said OR something seemed like a giant “NO, you cannot do that.”  And for most of my life I have squared my shoulders, set my gaze and thought.  “Oh YEAH?  Watch me.” 

Often it’s been up to me and only me to make the changes, to do the work.  Other times I have accepted help from people who took that indebtedness and threw it in my face, like a weakness.

So, for a very, very long time, I just made it work.  Just did it all.  Thought it made me noble to suffer and struggle.  Hmmmmm.

But man, this time, I had four days to pack up four lives and be settled enough to sleep there.  Not just my drama, my emotions -- three children dealing with school and friends and their parents divorcing.

Also needed to keep my full work schedule for the week. 

I needed help; and help flowed. 

Big love to everyone who brought me boxes and containers and bubblewrap – several of whom delivered it to my door (xoxo to Lori, Mary, Seth and Kristine).  Enormous love to my friend Pat who packed all the china, crystal and family heirlooms, as well as the junk from all four junk drawers.  To Olivia who helped me pack the entire kitchen in a morning as we both sorted through emotions of love and loss and letting go. 

Gratitude to Heather W. who came for the morning on moving day and kept me on track as my mind pingponged from task to task.  To my Beloved, who helped out so much I cannot even begin to make a list.  Love to Heather Q. for her continual and on-going support and help --  who has done a little of everything from entertain my children to moving boxes to bringing me lunch and dinner.  Huge love also to my office manager at Uttara, Kristine, who helps me here and there and -- everywhere

Love to my sister, who offered to drive the six-plus hours down here with her two children and squeeze in helping me to her already stressful life.

Thanks and love also to Arien and Martha, who offered over and over to help -- but really, I was okay!!  Though darlings, I still might need you near the end of this month to finish the clean out!

Big thanks to everyone who has wished me and my children well; who thought of us and sent us light. 

There is still stuff to unpack; and things to be organized.  But, there's good (no -- GREAT) news.

We’re home.

Shanti,

Jill

Attachment.Yep.Again

So, you know – I am in the middle of a divorce.  And now, it is time for me and the children to move; to leave the house.

It’s really not terrible; a blessing in sooooooo many ways.  I cannot imagine getting this place ready to sell.  The painting and fixing and (sheeeesh) cleaning.

And I cannot afford to keep it or maintain it.

The kids will keep their rooms and the stability of their family home when they are with their Dad.

But now, I’ve gotta find a place; create a home; and say goodbye to the dream that was this marriage and this structure.

I really loved this house.  Well – actually, the outside is NOT attractive.  It has big, ridiculous columns on the front porch; so ostentatious and out of place (in my view) from the curb.  But the porch, actually, is quite cozy and lovely; and the view is stunning.  A huge front yard for the children to romp; an equally long driveway for cycling and scooters.  Many beautiful, large oak trees – and my favorite, Mother Oak, perched in the center of the front yard, protecting us.

It has four bedrooms; essential in my life.  My children get along beautifully . . . . except; when they don’t.  And then, they DON’T get along DRAMATICALLY. 

We all need our space in this family.

But the one thing I will miss the most, besides the dream of living happily-ever-after here, is my kitchen.  Yep – I can say that – MYYYYYY kitchen.  I picked everything in it; the tile, the floor, the cabinets, the appliances, the handles, the paint, the shelves.  The curve of the counter, the placement of the windows.  Myyyyyy kitchen.

Except, now it’s not.

I love to cook; to bake; to feed people.  And for all my life, I have wanted a nice kitchen.  You know, not Southern Living or Crate and Barrel nice – just super-functional nice.  A gas stove.  At least three feet of counter.  A functioning dishwasher.  These are really-super-awesome things to have.

And a couple years ago my dear friend and contractor, Josh Crawford who owns JC Construction, created the most amazing and beautiful and functional and fabulous kitchen ever.  Here’s a picture.  It is everything I ever wanted in a kitchen.

And now, it is time to say goodbye.  Goodbye to the idea of comfort and stability that was that relationship.  Goodbye to the comfort and stability of the place I have called home.  And goodbye to this room that nourished us and nourished me.

Goodbye beautiful house, beautiful home; I know that I will find refuge elsewhere and create more beauty and more love.  Dearest Goddess, allow my children -- and me -- to trust this process.

Shanti,

Jill

Break the Cycle

“You accept the unacceptable.”

Mind resists; really?  Do I?

 Actually, YES; I do.

                “Uh, yes.”

“You wear shoes that don’t fit; you put up with things that are unreasonable; you allow people to treat you in ways that are not acceptable because you don’t want conflict.”

Mind resists; really?  Do I?

Actually, YES; I do.

               “Uh, yes.”

“You must stop; I want you to take a pot; take it out into the woods.  I want you to place the pot on the Earth and say ‘I will no longer accept the unacceptable; I break this cycle as I break this pot.’  And I want you to break the pot; then bury it in the Earth.  It is symbolic of your releasing this habit, this pattern.”

               “Uh, okay.”

This exchange occurred several years ago; I went to see an intuitive who was promoted as being a dream interpreter.  But, when I walked in the door, her vision and message was different for me.  She immediately brought up things that had happened to me that I thought were deep secrets; she saw and knew things that I barely knew with my mind, but yet knew with my heart.  Within five minutes I was sobbing and my mind was jumping everywhere.

I used to be REALLY attached to being in control (um, probably still am); I was completely blindsided.

It took months to reckon with the information.

She was sooooo right.  I always tell students, my personality is probably more Laborador Retriever than human; for years I’ve been out there, wagging my tail, thinking “like me . . . like me . . . pleeeeease like me.”

Now, that may not be your impression when you meet me; but there is a large sector of my soul that wants peace, harmony, love, kindness, balance – all that goodness – at ANY cost. 

I have paid a huge price to keep that illusion floating around me.

There are these karmic patterns called samskaras in yoga; they are emotional/mental/physical patterns.  Little grooves that wear their way into our soul – from this lifetime, or from past lifetimes.  Perhaps even from our families, or our society. 

A lot depends on how much individual vs. group karma you are dealing with.

So, one morning, in my meditation, I knew; it was time.  I selected a pot; something handed down from my family (sorry Mom!).  It was a small sugar bowl; beautiful, yes – but to me it represented pretense and outward appearance.  Lovely on the outside – but really, I am finally learning that it’s not the vessel, but the contents . . . . yes?

I hiked in, pretty far; my little voice told me where to stop.  I spoke it out loud. 

I smashed the pot, and I buried it. 

There is enormous power in ritual; we have sadly lost much of this in our culture.

But, truth is, the habit/pattern/samskara did not leave immediately.  It took time; I like to THINK that it is weaker; sometimes, it feels like it is gone for good.

Though I still have clothes and shoes that I hang onto even though they don’t fit or feel just right.

Guess maybe the more important question for me now is what relationships don’t feel or fit just right. 

What are the karmic patterns that I have observed in my life; in my family; in my culture?  In any group that I identify with, whether it is women or daughters or mothers or Americans or Christians or Yogis or whatever other label I’ve been prone to slap upon myself?

We all have a dharma; a duty; and part of it is this -- to learn our karmic proclivities; to identify what is helpful and what causes harm; and to work to soften any negativity.  To decide within ourselves that the pattern will NOT be brought forward.

As one of my teachers, Dasaji, has often said -- THIS KARMIC PATTERN STOPS WITH ME.

I am learning the patterns that I need to release; which pots still need to be broken and buried.

Which pots need to be broken and buried for you?

Shanti,

Jill

Relationship and Risk

What is relationship? 

Is it ties that bind you together?  Shared experience?  Where you want/need/desire something from someone?  And, if you’re lucky, they want/need/desire the same things from you?

At the beginning, relationship seems to be an energetic connection; a vibration that either draws you together or pushes you apart.

Like magnets, they make you aware of the other, either that pushing towards you OR that pushing you away.

Guess it is always a vibrational thing.  But, you know – vibration changes.  Only takes a tiny strike to make the bell change sound . . . .

There are so many types of relationships. It feels sad to reach the age of 45 and realize that you . . . um . . . don’t know much at all.

Oh, I think I understand an unhealthy relationship.  (Sorta . . . maybe.)  I do know the loud alarms. 

Like when a person treats you different than other people in their life.  If they mistreat animals or children, RUN.

When everyone else in your life wonders WHY you are with this person.  Believe your friends and family; listen to those alarms.

When your lover is too quiet and says nothing when you bring up intense emotions (silence doesn’t equal depth – sometimes it means they are thinking “duhhhhh . . . .”). 

When you have only one or two avenues of connection and on everything else you drag up the old adage “opposites attract.” -- They repel, too, darlin.

My favorite relationship saying -- “Love the person, not their potential.”

I have loved many a lover/friend for who they COULD be.  I could see clearly the fabulous within them.  Could I help them see it?  Maybe I could just FIX them . . . .

OR not even fix them, just SHOW them.  Or provide the love that made them safe . . . . or provide the outer structures that helped them to be who they could be . . . .

OR… OR… OR…

Ugh.

Maybe that’s why I became a teacher?

Back to love relationships.

When you reach a certain stage, you have shed an amazing amount of baggage; you can feel so proud and accomplished for sorting out what you want and what you know you don’t want.

Trouble is, you’ve generally packed a few new bags on the way.

My big issue (oh, I have many -- but this week) is asking for help.  Making myself vulnerable.  Not “doing it all” even though I still have to “do it all” if this doesn’t work out. 

Brings me back to a huge piece of the Edgar Cayce readings; which is this – you must do your best, have a pure and loving heart – and TOTALLY let go of the results.

Sometimes, when you’re a manifestor First Class, that last part is more than you can take. 

Seriously – create and let go?  Desire and drop? 

Am I not in control here? 

(“ahem . . .  yes, . . . and no . . . is that clear?”)

You ARE in control; each thought you form shifts the Universe into action mode.  But, the driving force is your heart; are you desireless in nature?  Wanting the best for others (and for you too); are you too caught up in things going down a certain way?).

Therein lies the risk. 

Anytime you create something, there is a responsibility for your manifestation; you start a relationship, sorry honey – you gotta either sustain or destroy it.  That’s the game plan here, and you signed up for it.

Sustaining takes work.  Destroying takes work. 

Nobody ever said being conscious was a breeze.

Sometimes it feels easier to destroy.  A word, a phrase, and the shields go up. 

SCREW this; what am I working so hard for?  I can DO this alone.

And then sustaining creeps in.  Mostly, this relationship makes me so happy.   More joy than I can ever remember; can’t you just work through this?  Why throw it out and start over – because you don’t just go to the craft store and get more of this. 

This is magic; it cannot be re-created.  You’ve lived some life; you know this.

One thing I have discovered is that you have to talk until your heart stops hurting.  Dig until it's done.  And it has to be all at once; you sit together all night if that is what it takes. 

There’s no sleeping on it and creating more drama in your head.  There’s no “space” and all the assumed clarity that would bring.  You both DIG; excavate while the shovels are out and the soil is damp; keep going until there is an honest smile from each of you and a hug that feels like it matters.

My therapist taught me to do this.  When you’re talking and there’s a miscommunication (AND THERE ALWAYS IS), you stop; you look each other in the eye; and you say . . . “What did you hear me say?” 

This brings in the spotlight; no makeup, no special lighting, no touch-ups.  Raw open emotions. 

And (hopefully) true clarity.

I’m not saying it always works; I’m not saying it always heals; but I’m (hoping) it keeps the lines open.

Relationship is worth the risk.

“Two is as four against the World.” – Shri Shellyji

Shanti,

Jill

Choose a Vibration

I am a Kriya yogi.  The lineage that speaks to me begins with Shri Babaji.  Some of the most important angels, guides and teachers in my life spring from this precious and ancient lineage.

So, let me tell you some truth.  My Seventh House (astrology term) has been getting a little messy.  Let me back up.  That means the area of my life that involves important relationship.  It involves lovers, marriage partners, business partners, open enemies, combatants, contestants. 

Interesting little mix, eh?

I placed my primary teacher in this house; could probably place him in a number of houses.  Second House of values?  Yes.  Fourth House of emotional home?  Yep, wedge him in that too.  Sixth House of service?  Sure.  Eighth House and the search for the mystical?  Of course!  Tenth House and the Father and Dharma.  Hmmmmm, yeah.  Twelfth House, hidden things.  Sure, stick that in there too.

Clearly, I am NOT clear on this.

Our relationship has been shifting; I am (relatively-sorta-kinda-maybe) understanding where I am with regards to things.  Maybe.

And I have been addressing this issue the exact same way that I have been addressing the mountain of laundry that has been sitting in my living room for a . . . let’s say a week.  (Generously; let’s say a week).

I cast it furtive glances when I come in the door; I occasionally move it to other rooms of the house; sometimes I grab a couple small things and deal with them; and when I begin to tackle it in earnest something always ALWAYS draws me away.

A little gasp of surprise always greets me when I realize that I have not yet dealt with it, and the occasional emergency makes me dig through it.

So, into this space, this information arrives.  Last week I am teaching my normal Saturday classes.  During the 9:30 am Hatha 2, I always begin by chanting the Kriya Invocation of Goodness.  It is a beautiful chant; lovely to see, lovely to hear, lovely to vibrate.  I have been hearing it ever since I began my yoga teacher training; through my Kriya training in various courses; it is the sustaining vibration that has always made me feel “plugged in” to the energy of my lineage.

Yogic lineage is like family . . . only, deeper.  We can acknowledge to each other the many lifetimes together; we can search back for just a feeling of being together and not actual memory.  Lineage has been my rock; coming to me in prayer; in meditation; in the dream state.  Saviors and spirit guides; energies that love me true and love me well.

It has also been real life, Earth plane friendship.  My sisters and brothers in spirit are like no other relationship. 

It is intense and beautiful and humbling and connecting and fills up a hole in my soul that ached for them without even knowing they could exist.

Oh – yes – back to my Saturday class.  I wrap up the class, and a student approaches.  She is a wonderful “new-ish” student to me; who lived all her life in India and only recently moved to our tiny town.  And yet, her first yoga classes were here, at Uttara in Roanoke, Virginia; it has always felt like a lesson and a gift to have her and her husband coming here. 

She hands me the chant sheet, and instructs me on the Sanskrit; it is “SarVEshaam, not SarveSHAAM” she instructs.  I am busy looking around the room to check on students post-class, to answer questions; distracted; I gather my thoughts because I know, this conversation matters. 

She continues to try to instruct my English-oriented brain to the true Sanskrit pronunciation.  I try to grasp.smile.understand.focus.explain.  None of it goes too well, and throughout the week I wish I could call her and try to explain my crazy mix of gratefulness and confusion.

In the following week I practice it her way.  Remembering instances where we have discussed in the lineage how to follow the vibration the group brings up together; even a mispronunciation, if it originates with the Guru, binds us together in that the vibration is the same.

Do I stay “home” and do it the way I now know is improper; do I leave “home” and try to shift the vibration back to the original intent?  I practice throughout the week, and, Goddess knows, it’s hard to change.

Today’s class; I announce the shift; I have to look at the chant sheet CHEAT sheet that I pass out in class, because with the simple shift in pronunciation, the words flee my brain.

It felt good; it felt right.

It wasn’t easy.

Tonight I listen to a beautiful CD that I have had for a while; it chants to “Sani” which is the planet Saturn; I was taught to say it “son-y” and on the CD it is pronounced “shan-y.”  Another lesson; another change.

Another opportunity to decide what is right for me.

Who DO I follow; who DO I trust?  And can I change mid-course?

I am a Kriya yogi.  The lineage that speaks to me begins with Shri Babaji.  Some of the most important angels guides and teachers in my life spring from this precious and ancient lineage.

I pray I am making wise choices. 

Prem (Divine love with NO opposite),

Jill

Vanishing Summer

Oh my goodness . . . where is it going?  

I know that I am getting older; that time seems to move faster as we get older. 

Except for the fact that I talk to my kids about it and they ALSO agree that time is flying.

Let me tell you; time did NOT fly when I was their tender age.  I will never forget the amazing sense of freedom walking out onto the little cement stoop in front of our home and tying my little tennis shoes and realizing I had the whole unplanned day before me!  Breeze in my hair, breakfast in my belly – I was OFF! 

Guess maybe I’ve been looking for that feeling ever since and have yet to recapture it.  I know now I cannot in this lifetime.  Though, I have tried to recapture it for my babes; to give them that sense of openness, and freedom and adventure.

And in that assignment, let’s be generous and give me a D+.  Not only because they are different people than me, but it is an entirely different world.  Hell, it’s an entirely different world than when I CONCEIVED these tiny beings.

Even though we really do resist electronics (my children are 14, 12 and 9 and I have not yet given into getting them a cellphone -- though, fyi all you mammas out there – an ipod touch is about the same thing),.  Even though our tv time is monitored (though I ponder daily canceling our cable – you get an hour of tv and you watched Cupcake Wars?  Seriously???).

Even though we resist these ways of checking out, of stepping off, my small family still cannot seem to find the slow, deep natural heartbeat that belongs to Mamma Earth.

So I dig around for understanding -- this Summer has been seriously vanishing; is it the fact I moved my business the beginning of May?  My divorce and all that change?  The fact that one is moving into high school next year (DID YOU HEAR THAT . . . HIGH SCHOOL . . . . ).

Sheesh.

We never even got around to making our annual Summer 100 list; about the second week of June we talked about trying to do a Summer 50 list; at this point, the whole Summer is booked; seriously, stacked out. 

Part of it is the early school start (August 20!); but part of it is the cycle.

An enormous amount of change is in the air; can you feel it?  I’ve been talking about it for years.

Please re-read these blogs; they may help you through the cycle.

In the meantime – make yourself put everything down tonight and go watch the fireflies.  Turn off the tv and play a game of chess with your beloved.  Build a fire and roast some marshmallows.

This IS the calm before the storm (unless you live in Colorado); breathe . . . .

Shanti,

Jill

http://uttarayogastudio.blogspot.com/2011/08/august-2011.html

http://uttarayogastudio.blogspot.com/2011/03/preparation.html

http://uttarayogastudio.blogspot.com/2011_01_01_archive.html

So, you might know I’ve been mountain biking at Carvins Cove.  And I lovelovelove it, and it has really helped me to arrange time for myself, to get out in nature, to get a sense of freedom -- and get me used to doing things that kinda scare the crap out of me. 

And ever since beginning, my rider-friends have been suggesting/ coaxing/plain-ole’-bugging me to get clips.  You know – these special shoes and special pedals so that you actually attach your shoe to your pedal?  It makes your pedaling more efficient and with mountain biking it also makes it safer because your feet aren’t bouncing off the pedals when you hit bumps and rocks and roots.

My first attempt was in my front yard on my 45^th birthday; and I was happy to admit to anyone that I was scared.  Falling down hurts.  But hey, trying to cultivate a little courage during this cycle, so let’s throw a little challenge in amongst the cake and accolades. 

And let me tell you – epic fail.  I am on the asphalt driveway (yes, clearly the wrong choice); clip in just great; unclip one foot just great – except it is NOT the foot that I lean to.  So with right foot unclipped and ready, I lean to the left; smack. 

No major injuries except to my ego.  Fear 1, Jill 0.

Okay; let’s go again – in the grass this time thank-you-very-much.  Not so bad; but still, not so great.  So my plans to test drive the clips on the greenway that lovely Spring day disappear as my fear of running over some toddler or taking out a runner come seeping into my consciousness.



Carvin's Cove, March 2012

I practice numerous times in my front yard and on the road in front of my house.

Fast forward to this past weekend; away at a yoga retreat (which was just fabulous in case you were wondering) right near Douthat State Park.  My dear friend Steve built me a magical 29er bicycle and he had brought both our bikes along – new clip-in pedals on mine -- and when the afternoon free time came up, we went on over. 

Have you ever been to Douthat State Park?  Holy fabulousness!  So beautiful; and the mountain biking trails are unreal; it looked like the mountain laurel had been planted by a team of horticulturalists and the trails dusted with pine needles by  fairies.  Did I mention the mountain laurel was actually blooming?!  Just hundreds of bushes surrounding us; rocks and trees and streams and nobody but us and a couple day hikers.

Fearlessness Mudra

So, it is on these brand new trails that I am trying my brand new pedals.  Let me tell you – I was afraid.  Intimidated.  Scared.

It wasn’t because my companion would be mad if I was slow, or upset if I needed to stop. He is one of the most patient people I have ever met.  

It is that I was upset that I would have to be slow; I was upset that I would need to stop.

Mixed in with a healthy fear of falling on something hard and breaking a body part.

What did I learn on this ride?  First, I learned that fear wears you out.  Just that little inkling of fear lurking around in my mind made me so tired and so unable to be myself.  It made me think of times I had lived in sustained fear –  fears from 25 years ago -- fear of not being able to make the mortgage; fear that my first husband would hurt me.  Fears from 14 years ago -- fear that my baby wouldn’t make it through her open-heart surgery; fear that I would be a horrible mother. 

Big fears all rising back up because of this little fear.

Hmmmmm.

I also learned that you can’t go half way.  At the beginning I got the great idea – HEY!  I will just clip in on one side and leave the other unclipped!  I can have it both ways!

Nope; not so much.

Cause only going in half way was actually worse than not clipping in.  I had one foot connected and the other one just sliding all over the place; absolute stability competing with absolute instability. 

Either clip all the way in; or just don’t.  This half-way stuff doesn’t work.

Hmmmmm.

I also learned this; that falling down doesn’t hurt nearly as much as not trying.  You get your scrapes and you get your cuts – but isn’t that life and living? 

The same dear friend who got me the bike and pedals also bought me a card once: it said, “Life Begins At the Edge of Your Comfort Zone.”

We had a beautiful ride.  And yes, I did fall down, and will continue to do so.  And that is OKAY with me.

Time to clip in, my friends.

Shanti,

Jill