Music is Vibration

What do you think about music in yoga class?

It's actually controversial in some circles; I know my asana teacher would only use the most simple tabla music (if anything at all!) and thought anything else was just distraction. 

So it took me a while to be okay with my own personal style; but eventually, I realized, it's okay -- I like music; usually loud, crazy music. 

At least most of the time.

I also absolutely adore a class with complete silence; just the huge, pulsing vibration of a group of like-minded people breathing.  Though usually that requires experienced yogis to create a comfortable-breathing-deeply-spiritually-connected-but-in-our-own-experience-in-a big-ole-room-of-strangers vibe.

But let me tell you -- when it happens?  That is awesome; incredible.  If you've ever been to a class where the breaths are counted (at a good deep-but-reasonable-pace) that is a singular experience that truly reminds you of that song that modifies the Biblicl quote "whenever two or more of you are gathered in my name there is love." 

But for me; and for many of my students; music helps break me out of my regular life; it sets a certain vibration, a beat; a toe tapping, head boppin' rhythm.  I know students tend to hold poses in a static way, but when I practice on my own or in a class, I MOVE, I groove, I pulse; it feels natural to me. 

Love to close my eyes, find the music in my muscles, my cells; practice like no one is looking, you know?

Steve Ross, my original guru, always played the best music in class; and my style of yoga is similar to him; my music is who I am -- intense, thoughtful; moving through some stuff.  And my playlists (if you listen carefully) can tell you a lot about where I am, who I am, what I'm processing. 

For example, here's the playlist from the day my ex-husband moved out of the house.

Yeah, I remember it; it was an intense day, for me and my children:

Xotica -- Kinetik -- Phutureprimative
Digging in the Dirt -- Us -- Peter Gabriel
Bedroom Hymns -- Ceremonials -- Florence + The Machine
I'm Not Driving Anymore (Remix) -- I'm Not Driving Anymore - Rob Dougan
Set Fire to the Rain -- 21 -- Adele
In the End -- Hybrid Theory -- Linkin Park
Where is the Edge -- The Unforgiving -- Within Temptation
Karuna -- Star of the Sea -- Stellamara
Story of Pingala -- Dasi:  Prayers by Women -- Karnamrita
Power of Forgiveness -- Beyond -- Tina Turner
Shri Vidya -- Grace is the Name of the Game -- Steve Ross

Summer of 2012?  Linkin Park; like, LOTS of Linkin Park.  This Summer, a little more dance-y music; a little slower, deeper, smoother pace. And some great retro stuff from my childhood; a favorite recent class:

Dream On -- Aerosmith -- Aerosmith
Ready, Steady, Go -- Bunkka -- Paul Oakenfold
Lights (Bassnectar Remix) -- Divergent Spectrum -- Ellie Goulding
Promises (Remixes) -- EP -- The Presets
Paradise -- Mylo Xyloto -- Coldplay
Red Rain -- Hit  -- Peter Gabriel
Revolution -- The Nu Nation Project -- Kirk Franklin
Rama Bolo -- Maha Moha: The Great Delusion -- Wade Imre Morissette
Kyrie Eleison -- The Seven Valleys -- Stellamara
Dust in the Wind -- The Best of Kansas -- Kansas
Pure Essence -- Sadhana -- Maneesh De Moor
Holy Harmony -- Holy Harmony -- Jonathan Goldman and Sarah Benson

By the way, my new savasana music, Holy Harmony, listed above, is amazing; truly magical; check it out, it's a super long track, great for relaxing and breathing and connecting.

So whatever vibration you attune to -- rock, classical, electronic; the pulse of your heartbeat; the sound of the birds outside your window; yoga is meant to bring you into the moment; to bring you joy, happiness, peace, contentment. 

Whatever facilitates that, DO it. 

Shanti,

Jill

Violence

This week cooking celebrity Nigella Lawson was photographed in a very nice restaurant with her husband’s hands on her neck.  As in strangling her.  He later came out publicly to say it was a “playful tiff“. 

Very distressing, indeed.

The violence was awful.  Knowing that if in public he feels comfortable doing that what goes on behind closed doors?  It bothers me that people took photos instead of helping her, though the event probably happened in just a matter of moments.  Sometimes when you see something like that happening your brain doesn't even register it right away.  And I am sure people sensed complex emotions.  Pain, discomfort, fear and embarrassment. 

But it's time to really talk about domestic violence.  We as a culture have to stop accepting people being treated as property.

It brought back memories of being a young fourth-grade child sitting in a classroom.  Outside the window a young man and young woman walking down from the high school; he is striding ahead and she is trailing behind him; they are arguing loudly.  So loud in fact that the whole class and teacher have turned to look outside. 

And the guy suddenly turns around and punches her in the face; hard.  Hard enough that she crumples to the ground.

My teacher slowly walked over to the windows – still talking, still teaching – and pulls the window blinds down, one by one.  Like it never happened.

Fast forward and I am a young married 22-year old working at a law firm as a legal secretary.   I get a cat – my first one!  And when it gets cornered by the neighbor’s dog I swoop in to pick it up (do NOT ever do that, okay?!) – and she turns and claws me right down the face.  Torn skin on my nose, scratches around my eye, down my face.  Pretty messed up.

The next day at work all the women immediately ask what happened; but not the men.  It isn’t until lunchtime when one of the guys asks me into his office and pulls the door shut and says “honey, what happened to your face?” 

Later that afternoon I asked the attorney I did the most work for:  “Why haven’t you asked me what happened to my face.”  “Well,” he said with a shrug, “I figured your husband did it to you.” 

Hmmmmm.

I have had someone I trusted put their hands around my neck and start to squeeze.  Let me tell you, it’s scary as hell.

In another relationship it was words; because he knew I would leave in a minute if he touched me.  So it was insults and threats and anger.  I remember so many times just wishing he would do the things he threatened to do so I would have a “good” reason to leave.

Eventually I realized that verbal cruelty was a “good “reason, too.

There are things worse than being hit or hurt; Kriyanandaji says cut a person with a knife and the skin heals; cut a person with your tongue and they may never.  Words can terrorize and dehumanize as much or more than many actions.

Nigella, I am not in your shoes and I don't judge your decisions; perhaps you wish no one had seen what happened that day or maybe you are tremendously grateful.  But maybe; just maybe; you opened up the subject for discussion.  Placed our social norms up for scrutiny.  And made people like me more willing to shine a light into the dark places of the soul.

Shanti,

Jill 

What are YOU waiting for?

Mother’s Day I planned myself a very nice day; arranged a bike ride at Carvin’s Cove with a dear friend; we talked more than we rode, but that was just what I needed.  The time in nature was healing;  the conversation and connection even more nourishing.

Came home and made myself a lovely brunch of poached egg on toast with salmon and herbed hollandaise; made an orange juice and Prosecco mimosa.  Yum! 

Ate it on the front porch in the sun.  Very nice.

And in the afternoon I had no expectations or desires.  So I again sat on the front porch in the sun.  And as I was sitting there, staring out into the yard for a while – loads of thoughts wandering through my mind -- my son was riding his scooter in small circles on the porch behind me.

I must have been sitting in silence for quite a while because he inquired “What are you thinking about Mommy?”  And at that moment I had been thinking of laying on a blanket and looking up at the clouds, like I used to do with the children when they were small.  And so I told him.

He began to laugh; like, really belly laugh.  I got somewhat defensive at him laughing at my idea. 

But before I could take offense he said “But, why?  Why would you ever sit there and just think about doing something that you could so easily be doing?  Why don’t you just go get a blanket and look at the clouds!”

It was such a wise and funny response; and it was so interesting to watch the thoughts pass through my mind.  How could I explain my adult mind process -- that I thought about what the neighbors would think about me laying in the front yard; about whether the kids would be too grown to look at clouds with me and think it silly; I even wondered which blanket I’d be okay with getting dirty; you know, excuses.

I wonder where else in my life I am thinking instead of doing.  Where do I need to get up and stop worrying about what someone might think or what might go wrong.  Where should I be dancing/laughing/singing/praying/moving/living/breathing and instead I'm sitting.  On the porch.  Just thinking about it. 

And somewhere, someone is laughing; because there is NOTHING keeping me from what I would truly wish to do; and sitting there, just thinking about it -- it is so, SO silly.

Shanti,

 

Jill

Another Blog . . . .

Hi everyone,

 I have a new gig; have started a question and answer blog called “Ask Uttara.”

 No worries, I will not abandon this blog, despite my lack of posts.  And despite the fact that I will have to channel my inner multi-armed Goddess to approach all the projects that are currently on my radar.

 I am attaching a link that will lead you to today's question and response about letting go; I hope you will find it helpful and follow along if you choose, either through the webpage or on Facebook.

 Interestingly enough I reference a favorite quote from Dr. Seuss; I believe he was a great yogi, right up there with those who immediately come to mind beyond my lineage -- Mother Teresa, Yoda and Mr. Rogers.  Though perhaps those souls even wander into the title of “Guru” -- which simply means remover of darkness.

Also of note was that as I sought out the book Oh the Places You’ll Go! my daughter helped me search the shelves.  We have reached the stage that it is not sought-after reading material; it was mixed in with the other large but thin children’s books; the spine broken from love and use.

When she asked why I was looking for the book, I told her I needed a quote for the blog – that I was looking to quote the part about waiting.

 

"Of course" she replied.  "Umm, really?" I asked; “How did you know?”  “Because you talk about it all the time!” she said.

Hmmmmmm.

So, maybe; just maybe; possibly -- I don’t totally suck at this mothering thing after all.

Much love and blessings,

Jill

 

www.askuttara.blogspot.com

 

Motherhood and Other Impossible Things

I have some things on my mind.  Perhaps if I convey the stories we can both ponder and it might bring some type of understanding of what is happening in my world.

So last week I am driving past the middle school; and my child remarks that the girls soccer games have started.  And due to scheduling, some of their games will be on the practice field.  I asked why -- because that field isn't maintained like the other field.  She replies that the boys' soccer team gets to use the actual field, the girls only use it if the boys do not need it.  I was genuinely surprised and expressed something about the unfairness of it.  Her reply was "well, Mom, that's just the way it is."  Hmmm.  Okay.

This week I am conversing with a young friend of another one of my children.  We are discussing the fact that she runs for the track team.  "Oh, cool!" I exclaim as we discuss what events she participates in.  "Do you like to run?" I ask.  "Umm, well -- no."  The child looks down, avoiding my eyes.  "Well, then why do you do it?" I ask.  "For college; to get a scholarship; I do things to get into college  -- that's the only reason I do anything."  Hmmmm.  Okay.

See this picture?  Today I am looking at this paperwhite; I put it into water back in December; had a big 'ole vase of them -- most grew roots and bloomed beautifully in my bedroom, bringing the luxurious feel and scent of Spring throughout this dark Winter.  When I went to compost the spent bulbs this one was lurking in the bottom; maybe it was crowded by the others, maybe it just didn't like the sunlight or temperature.  I placed it in it's own little vase on my kitchen window, and noticed it daily.

And now, a little late, it is blooming.  It makes me happy.  And I am noticing how long the roots are; it took a LOT of water.  I notice the pregnant bulge of the bulb; and how very many green leaves it takes to create the food to feed this one small and short-lived bundle of flowers.

All these stories lead to an emotional hard spot -- I have hit a patch in my mothering career that is beyond difficult.  I have a problem, and I do not know what to do.

I look back through the years of being a parent -- I have felt many emotions.  I have been confused; terrified; overwhelmed; exhausted.  I have been thrilled; amazed; joyful; hopeful; and filled with a love so deep I thought I would burst.  Gazing back to the toddler years with my rose colored bifocals and it seems there was more black and white then. 

As I move into parenting teens there is this vast sea of gray. 

So, today, I will remember my paperwhite; it couldn't just fit in with the pack; it needed it's own space and extra attention.  And it blossomed on its schedule, not mine.

Shanti,

Jill

Teaching

So recently my daughter had a friend over for a visit; right after school, they did homework together.  At some point in the afternoon they wandered into the living room; I was working myself through a basic hatha yoga routine.  Nothing crazy, but not simple.  I personally need a sweaty yogic kick-in-the-pants to focus. 

“Ohhhh, wow, Ms. Loftis!  You’re really great at yoga!”  My daughter’s friend kept watching.  It used to bother me to be watched during practice; but, I have three children -- at this point, it feels like part of the practice to just let that whole thing go and keep flowing.

She kept on with the comments and compliments.  I deflected, put it all aside. – “Oh, honey, not really; I’m just practicing.”  She compliments and comments again; I make small talk and diminish; just working through my routine, my junk; she only sees the outer stuff, but I see all the sticky, inner mess.  I know this is not an advanced practice.  I might be doing a headstand, but internally -- it’s yogic kindergarten.

 “Ohhh” – she comments to my daughter – “your Mom is just like you – she doesn’t think she is good at anything.” 

I snap to attention.

 

REALLY?

My brilliant, beautiful daughters – I have two of them, and when I say they are brilliant and beautiful it is truth -- I do not brag.  I have taught them.  And this is the result? 

Apparently -- not with words, but with action – I have taught them not to own their amazingness; to dodge compliments; to avoid praise.  I have taught them the complete opposite of my words.  I can tell them all day, all week, all year, that they are smart, resourceful, amazing women.  But when they listen to me avoid praise, diffuse compliments; to not come into my own being.  That is what they remember, they recall; it is what they live.

A few months later a dear friend’s daughter posts this to Facebook right at Valentines’ Day: 

 

“Reminiscing on past relationships, I realized my best one ever was with myself. I took myself on the best dates, always knew just what to buy me, never forgot to tell myself I looked nice, rarely fought with me, didn't have to wait around for me to call, spending time with me was always a blast, and when I was being a bitch to me i didn't even get angry. Maybe I'll take me out for valentine's day. I love me.”

 

My first reaction is confusion – who likes themselves this much?  Who has this beautiful, kind, generous relationship with anyone except those OUTSIDE of themselves?
 
Then I realized; this child’s mother – she taught her well.  Or maybe; just maybe; she arrived with the knowledge.

Either way, it shines and light for me and for my girls - ooohhhhh goodness; Goddess Bless; this Mamma has sooooo much work to do.

Shanti,

Jill

The Journey

A dear friend was visiting tonight; it had been far too long, so much catching up to do.  She saw my new space, the house I am renting after my divorce.  So good and affirming to have a sensitive soul acknowledge that I am blooming where planted.

We covered so much life in a mere two hours.  Eventually we glanced on the topic of my divorce.  She asked if communication with my ex was amicable, and I was so grateful to be able to answer a firm “yes” – we have been kind, understanding, and working in the best interests of our children. 

I am surrounded by families who are disintegrating in less harmonious ways, to everyone’s detriment. 

I have much to be grateful for.

And she reminded me, and I was so blessed by the reminder – she said something along the lines of “oh, well, so it means that you are not angry or sending out negative energy; give yourself credit for not creating a negative situation.”  And I had not really realized that – but it is true; I harbor no ill will; no anger; just sadness, and I think I have let that go, too.

I was so clearly meant to have three children with this man; but not to live the rest of my life with him.  He has honored our relationship by not punishing me for my decision.

As one of my dear astrologer friends says “sometimes, the karma is out” -- is time for someone to leave your life, and for you to leave their life.  If you finish your mission, as it were, with the souls in your realm, then they fade away – or sometimes vanish.  If they linger, re-surface; then you have work to do.

But remember -- attitude is all.

The spirit in which you approach what you are doing or living has more impact than anything you say verbally; any email or text.

I am in a transitory period in my story; my “Personal Legend” as Paulo Coelho so brilliantly illustrates in his epic work The Alchemist (you have not read this book???? please PLEASE do).  It is important to give thanks and appreciation to those who light the way and to be grateful to those who have brought me my karma.

Make the inner shift of gratitude; then trust and release; and THEN – step back and see what unfolds.

Shanti,

Jill

 

Tragedy

As we observe and process the horrific school shooting that occurred yesterday, an enormous amount of emotion and grief is unleashed into the collective.

 

We feel overwhelmed with sadness and anger and our minds can quickly move into imagining that event occurring in our own lives; the anguish of receiving “that” phone call or being in that situation.

I would suggest that we try not to go there; with our minds or our emotions.  For whatever reason yesterday, you did not receive the call.  You were not at the school to witness the events.  You were not shot.  You were not the shooter.

You could indeed have been any one of those people.

And so how do we understand the why and the how of such things?  My understanding of karma helps me to see the cosmic dance in a different way, and it helps me.  To think – to believe – that this was a lesson that these souls chose to learn.  That their purpose in this existence was lived out either before or at this particular event.  Some souls complete their journey here after two minutes; some take two years; others, twenty or fifty or eighty; our concept of time and assumption that we are allotted an 70+ period of time here are very Earthly concepts.

Mourn not for the lost potential of those children and adults; direct your attention to sending light to those left behind.  When our loved ones move on/transition/die – however you perceive it – it is often ourselves that we cry for.  For the gaping hole in the fabric of our existence that once was this person and the relationship. 

My grandmother buried two children and would proffer the idea that Hell was indeed here on Earth.  Death is indeed the only guarantee upon birth; but there is much more pain when it is not in the natural order of things.

What to do?  How to find peace?

Turn off your television; stop reading through the scroll of photos from the internet.  Life is for the living, and we are all absolutely and completely connected; the repetition numbs us – do not become numb.

Spend time doing the things that matter to you with the people that matter to you.  Pour that emotionality into service.  If you have children, spend time with them and love them the best you can.

Volunteer at a local school to tutor or read to the children; if you take a moment to truly look around your community you will find so many children living with poverty, abuse, emotional and physical neglect that it will shock you – let it shock you into action.

Listen to the people around you; some are crying out for a shoulder to lean on; for someone to listen; our society has become so disconnected.  Many, MANY people are on medications to relieve their sadness and despair.  Until everyone feels that connection and knows that they are loved, respected and heard, this will continue.

Do whatever it is for yourself that keeps you in the light, and of the light.  And then, never hesitate to share that light with those around you.

To honor the dead, be one who is truly LIVING.

Shanti,

Jill

Richard Gartner is Coming to Roanoke!!

Super excited to tell you that Richard Gartner is traveling to Roanoke next weekend (Friday, October 26 and Saturday, October 27) to present three workshops at Uttara. 

I met Richard on one of his trips passing through Roanoke on his way to points South.  He had Googled around to find yoga studios to stop at on his travels (sign of a dedicated yogi).   Last year I attended six hours of workshops with him on a visit to Pittsburgh, and decided you guys REALLY needed to meet him.

And -- hey -- let me tell you – setting up workshops is . . . work.  Cancelling the regular classes; figuring out what people are interested in.  Lots of time and energy, both of which are precious.

When I first opened I offered a lot of workshops; I was just honored that people wanted to come to Uttara to present their work.  Now?  I’m picky.  Realllllllly picky.

Richard reminds me a lot of my asana (asana means yoga poses) teacher, Kim Schwartz, in that he is about precision, alignment, and working at deep, DEEEEEEP levels with the physical and energetic body.  Yet, there is a joy and a lightness; real openness and heart. 

You do NOT have to have a super-incredible flexible-noodle practice to come to these workshops.  Just be a seeker on the path.

What makes Richard super special is his way with words; his language is precise, yet accessible.  He radiates kindness and dedication.  He’s about adapting poses, not people.

I have studied with many teachers, and would count him among the best.

His classes in Pittsburgh were packed, and although I know you have never heard of him (yet), if you can you should try to make one of more of these workshops.  Read the descriptions; his languaging is really beautiful.  Come see.

Friday, October 26                                                  6:00 to 8:30 pm

Yin Yoga Primer -- Yin Yoga is revolutionary in its quiet stillness. As opposed to most styles of yoga, which deal with muscle flexibility and activity, Yin focuses on stimulating the “chi” in passive connective tissues, ligaments and cartilage.  A Yin yoga practice reverses the contractile effects of aging on the shoulders, spine and hips. Richard will present Yin Yoga theory as it relates to Yoga philosophy, meditation practice and your own anatomy.  He will then guide you through a quiet Yin practice that will target the lateral fascial lines of the body. We will conclude with breathing practices to assist in harvesting your awareness.  Fee $35 prepaid/$40 at the door.

Saturday, October 27                                                9:30 to Noon

Nurturing the Organic Body  -- The abdomen contains your life force: it is the center of digestion, filtration, immune function and elimination. Habitual tension can result in fascial restrictions around these organs and congest the circulatory and immune system channels. For those with third chakra excess or deficiency, the core may be either too rigid or too weak to give proper support to the upper chakras.

‘Nurturing the organic body’ focuses on understanding and releasing holding patterns in the torso, wringing out organs and stimulating flow and communication in the organic body. This approach involves the wise use of arms and legs—the organs of action—to maximize release in the torso—the organs of reception.  Please refrain from eating at least two hours before the session. Fee $35 prepaid/$40 at the door.

Saturday, October 27                                          2:00 to 4:30 pm

The Resolute Bow: Yoking Strength and Ease in the Back Body -- In many cultures, the bow is regarded as a show of respect or gratitude. It is also a means to draw one’s attention inward.  However, though the gesture is an act of softening, it involves stretching the strongest fascial lines in the body. Developing open hamstrings, calves and spine takes sthira (strength) and commitment.

Students will be guided through a sequence that safely and effectively improves their forward folds. Through discerning action in the legs and hips, this workshop also address sacral stability techniques.  Strong leg engagement helps us find our support, physically and emotionally. The English language has idioms that express this: "To dig one's heels in" and "land on your feet." It’s with this firm ground we can then find ease in our system.  Fee $35 prepaid/$40 at the door.

 

Giving . . . but mostly Receiving

New house; new home; new life; got back in early September from AMAZING trip to Scotland and France (really!!!); began the search and BOOM -- found the perfect place in the perfect location; just really, really, REALLY fast.

So, pulling it together quickly; less than two weeks from decision to HERE!  And, like many things flowing into my life right now, moving was a large lesson in accepting help. 

This is something that I am not so good at.  I am stubborn.  Stubbbbbbbbbornnnnn.  It has served me in some cases and in others, not so much. 

I can think of so many times in my life when someone said OR something seemed like a giant “NO, you cannot do that.”  And for most of my life I have squared my shoulders, set my gaze and thought.  “Oh YEAH?  Watch me.” 

Often it’s been up to me and only me to make the changes, to do the work.  Other times I have accepted help from people who took that indebtedness and threw it in my face, like a weakness.

So, for a very, very long time, I just made it work.  Just did it all.  Thought it made me noble to suffer and struggle.  Hmmmmm.

But man, this time, I had four days to pack up four lives and be settled enough to sleep there.  Not just my drama, my emotions -- three children dealing with school and friends and their parents divorcing.

Also needed to keep my full work schedule for the week. 

I needed help; and help flowed. 

Big love to everyone who brought me boxes and containers and bubblewrap – several of whom delivered it to my door (xoxo to Lori, Mary, Seth and Kristine).  Enormous love to my friend Pat who packed all the china, crystal and family heirlooms, as well as the junk from all four junk drawers.  To Olivia who helped me pack the entire kitchen in a morning as we both sorted through emotions of love and loss and letting go. 

Gratitude to Heather W. who came for the morning on moving day and kept me on track as my mind pingponged from task to task.  To my Beloved, who helped out so much I cannot even begin to make a list.  Love to Heather Q. for her continual and on-going support and help --  who has done a little of everything from entertain my children to moving boxes to bringing me lunch and dinner.  Huge love also to my office manager at Uttara, Kristine, who helps me here and there and -- everywhere

Love to my sister, who offered to drive the six-plus hours down here with her two children and squeeze in helping me to her already stressful life.

Thanks and love also to Arien and Martha, who offered over and over to help -- but really, I was okay!!  Though darlings, I still might need you near the end of this month to finish the clean out!

Big thanks to everyone who has wished me and my children well; who thought of us and sent us light. 

There is still stuff to unpack; and things to be organized.  But, there's good (no -- GREAT) news.

We’re home.

Shanti,

Jill

Attachment.Yep.Again

So, you know – I am in the middle of a divorce.  And now, it is time for me and the children to move; to leave the house.

It’s really not terrible; a blessing in sooooooo many ways.  I cannot imagine getting this place ready to sell.  The painting and fixing and (sheeeesh) cleaning.

And I cannot afford to keep it or maintain it.

The kids will keep their rooms and the stability of their family home when they are with their Dad.

But now, I’ve gotta find a place; create a home; and say goodbye to the dream that was this marriage and this structure.

I really loved this house.  Well – actually, the outside is NOT attractive.  It has big, ridiculous columns on the front porch; so ostentatious and out of place (in my view) from the curb.  But the porch, actually, is quite cozy and lovely; and the view is stunning.  A huge front yard for the children to romp; an equally long driveway for cycling and scooters.  Many beautiful, large oak trees – and my favorite, Mother Oak, perched in the center of the front yard, protecting us.

It has four bedrooms; essential in my life.  My children get along beautifully . . . . except; when they don’t.  And then, they DON’T get along DRAMATICALLY. 

We all need our space in this family.

But the one thing I will miss the most, besides the dream of living happily-ever-after here, is my kitchen.  Yep – I can say that – MYYYYYY kitchen.  I picked everything in it; the tile, the floor, the cabinets, the appliances, the handles, the paint, the shelves.  The curve of the counter, the placement of the windows.  Myyyyyy kitchen.

Except, now it’s not.

I love to cook; to bake; to feed people.  And for all my life, I have wanted a nice kitchen.  You know, not Southern Living or Crate and Barrel nice – just super-functional nice.  A gas stove.  At least three feet of counter.  A functioning dishwasher.  These are really-super-awesome things to have.

And a couple years ago my dear friend and contractor, Josh Crawford who owns JC Construction, created the most amazing and beautiful and functional and fabulous kitchen ever.  Here’s a picture.  It is everything I ever wanted in a kitchen.

And now, it is time to say goodbye.  Goodbye to the idea of comfort and stability that was that relationship.  Goodbye to the comfort and stability of the place I have called home.  And goodbye to this room that nourished us and nourished me.

Goodbye beautiful house, beautiful home; I know that I will find refuge elsewhere and create more beauty and more love.  Dearest Goddess, allow my children -- and me -- to trust this process.

Shanti,

Jill

Break the Cycle

“You accept the unacceptable.”

Mind resists; really?  Do I?

 Actually, YES; I do.

                “Uh, yes.”

“You wear shoes that don’t fit; you put up with things that are unreasonable; you allow people to treat you in ways that are not acceptable because you don’t want conflict.”

Mind resists; really?  Do I?

Actually, YES; I do.

               “Uh, yes.”

“You must stop; I want you to take a pot; take it out into the woods.  I want you to place the pot on the Earth and say ‘I will no longer accept the unacceptable; I break this cycle as I break this pot.’  And I want you to break the pot; then bury it in the Earth.  It is symbolic of your releasing this habit, this pattern.”

               “Uh, okay.”

This exchange occurred several years ago; I went to see an intuitive who was promoted as being a dream interpreter.  But, when I walked in the door, her vision and message was different for me.  She immediately brought up things that had happened to me that I thought were deep secrets; she saw and knew things that I barely knew with my mind, but yet knew with my heart.  Within five minutes I was sobbing and my mind was jumping everywhere.

I used to be REALLY attached to being in control (um, probably still am); I was completely blindsided.

It took months to reckon with the information.

She was sooooo right.  I always tell students, my personality is probably more Laborador Retriever than human; for years I’ve been out there, wagging my tail, thinking “like me . . . like me . . . pleeeeease like me.”

Now, that may not be your impression when you meet me; but there is a large sector of my soul that wants peace, harmony, love, kindness, balance – all that goodness – at ANY cost. 

I have paid a huge price to keep that illusion floating around me.

There are these karmic patterns called samskaras in yoga; they are emotional/mental/physical patterns.  Little grooves that wear their way into our soul – from this lifetime, or from past lifetimes.  Perhaps even from our families, or our society. 

A lot depends on how much individual vs. group karma you are dealing with.

So, one morning, in my meditation, I knew; it was time.  I selected a pot; something handed down from my family (sorry Mom!).  It was a small sugar bowl; beautiful, yes – but to me it represented pretense and outward appearance.  Lovely on the outside – but really, I am finally learning that it’s not the vessel, but the contents . . . . yes?

I hiked in, pretty far; my little voice told me where to stop.  I spoke it out loud. 

I smashed the pot, and I buried it. 

There is enormous power in ritual; we have sadly lost much of this in our culture.

But, truth is, the habit/pattern/samskara did not leave immediately.  It took time; I like to THINK that it is weaker; sometimes, it feels like it is gone for good.

Though I still have clothes and shoes that I hang onto even though they don’t fit or feel just right.

Guess maybe the more important question for me now is what relationships don’t feel or fit just right. 

What are the karmic patterns that I have observed in my life; in my family; in my culture?  In any group that I identify with, whether it is women or daughters or mothers or Americans or Christians or Yogis or whatever other label I’ve been prone to slap upon myself?

We all have a dharma; a duty; and part of it is this -- to learn our karmic proclivities; to identify what is helpful and what causes harm; and to work to soften any negativity.  To decide within ourselves that the pattern will NOT be brought forward.

As one of my teachers, Dasaji, has often said -- THIS KARMIC PATTERN STOPS WITH ME.

I am learning the patterns that I need to release; which pots still need to be broken and buried.

Which pots need to be broken and buried for you?

Shanti,

Jill